E.K. NATION

Sorry about that, folks. I know you guys were all putting your lives on hold waiting for us to offer our reviews of American Idol. The last few weeks have been rather busy, but then again we also had a stretch of three weeks last year where we gave you nothing and you survived, so I'm assuming you're all alive and not dead. Anyway, let's bring E.K. Nation's Senior American Idol Correspondent "Smooth" out from the basement to get things started again. Smooth?

Smooth: Why, thanks. You know, you could send down a pizza every once in a while. Bread and water is, uh, a little boring.

E.K.: Ha, ha, ha, he chuckled nervously. That is a distortion of the truth, everyone. As you may or may not know, Smooth has been given vitamin supplements to go along with his G2 and his San Francisco sourdough bread made with a 110-year-old starter, so he's actually living high on the hog.

Smooth: We're going to run through the last two weeks of performances. But let me say this first: Why did the judges use the "save" on Matt last week? I like him, but as Simon pointed out he has no chance to win. I think the producers just decided beforehand that it would be used at some point, and Matt is probably better than Lil, so... what the hell. I still kinda wish they had used it on Alexis; I thought she deserved to stay longer than she did. I think I know who you wish they used it on.

E.K.: Well, you're thinking Megan Joy, and sure, it would have been nice to see her for one more week before she got the boot anyway, but the real singer I wish had gotten the save was Michael Johns. Of course they didn't have the save rule last year, and that sucks because his dismissal was the worst voting result the competition has ever suffered.

Smooth: So, last week, we had "Songs From The Movies," and Allison Iraheta was up first with one of my most hated songs, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing". Massive cliche of a song choice. Most of it's low in her register - not out of her range, just at the bottom of it - and there wasn't really much room for any improvisation or for her to show off her power. The arrangement started out interesting with only some quiet, staccato strings, but quickly falls into a straightforward version. It was fine, but it's pretty boring. Allison's natural rock edge in her voice makes everything she sings a little more interesting, but even that isn't going to save her here. Not at all her best.

E.K.: I totally agree that this is a ridiculous cliche of a choice, but I was expecting more from Allison. She's been able to blow out some of these rock songs she's been doing, but this one really was unspectacular. I was surprised to hear Simon say she could make the finals and that she is the girls' last hope for a winner this year. I, for one, know that neither one of the girls will win it.

Smooth: And then last night for Disco Night, was she wearing a bedazzled leather catsuit? No wait, there's a skirt that looks like there's an apron involved, and giant heels. This was kind of a weird performance. Slowing down the rock tempo of Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" kind of sapped the energy a little bit, and Allison kind of stalked around the stage weirdly and seemed almost disinterested at times. The vocal was excellent. The judges like it more than I did; she's still just not showing enough personality to inspire voters, in my opinion.

E.K.: It was indeed a pretty silly arrangement. I wouldn't have even expected the slowed-down pace if it were Alison Overmyer singing. And I was wondering, if it's Disco Week, why don't they make everyone stick to a disco tempo? And the outfit was weird; it looked like a 16-year-old girl was trying to be a cougar. But I agree that the vocals were great and that she's close to running out of time on the show. I like her a lot, though; she's a trooper. And her initials are A.I. -- how's that for an American Idol finalist?

Smooth: Last week, Anoop Desai picked "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You", which is, again, a hugely-overplayed song that really has little to do with the movie it's in. Anoop did his normal thing; the vocal is good, but the performance wasn't anything great, so it was pretty karaoke. Another boring performance. Last night, he wrapped up the show by starting out with a ballad version similar to Adam's, this time of Donna Summer's "Dim All The Lights". He sounded good, but he fell into the trap of actually doing a song with a disco beat during disco week. Dumbass!! Anoop really does have a great tone to his voice and put on another solid vocal performance. Kara points out that it was a good song choice since even in the uptempo part, it's sort of a ballad vocal with glory notes in there which are Anoop's forte. He blows the final note which is never good, but I think he'll be OK.

E.K.: Anoop's vocals on both of these songs were great, but yet again, the performances just weren't all that memorable. Last night, he wore pink, about which Paula said, "Real men know how to wear pink", which once and for all, if we didn't know already, proves that Paula Abdul is batshit insane. So, we're going to veer away from Anoop to talk about Paula for a second, and I know you have something to say there.

Smooth: Paula is completely extraneous to this show at this point. Her crazy was amusing three or four seasons ago, but she offers absolutely nothing at this point.

E.K.: Precisely. I am actually at the point where I cringe when she's in the middle of critiquing somebody's performance and then she suddenly starts badgering Simon and can't let any comment go. Not only are her bickering and her antics childish and unprofessional, they're also insulting to the singer who is standing there patiently on the stage waiting for some feedback. I really hope that Kara was brought on as a transition to a Paula-free Idol. Okay, enough about Fruitbat Abdul.

Smooth: I am now also getting pretty sick of Adam Lambert, who is doing "Born to Be Wild". Of course, it would be much easier to dismiss him (along with his awful hair/clothes/makeup/performance/screeching) if he wasn't always on key, damn him. The performance was typically over the top and ridiculous with lots of stomping and head banging. It kills me that he is capable of sounding so good when he dials it back but instead chooses to become a wailing banshee that haunts my ears. I don't really think of this as a "movie song" either, but at least it's a bit more unexpected than the first two choices.

E.K.: I was not even aware that "Born To Be Wild" was from a movie. In a movie, maybe, but was it written specifically for Easy Rider? At this point it became apparent that "Songs From The Movies" is an insanely huge category. To wit: There was a Lindsey Buckingham song playing on the bum's radio when Marty's time machine whizzes by him near the end of Back To The Future; could that song qualify to be sung here?

Smooth: And then last night Adam did another take similar to his "Mad World" ripoff of Gary Jules. I do prefer his stripped-down ballads when the alternative is over-the-top ridiculousness. Once again his vocal control is impeccable, and the only thing I don't like about the vocal is the usual screeching falsetto, which was thankfully minimal here. He certainly goes out of his way to look anguished while singing, and it's too much for me, but many voters will lap it up.

E.K.: I thought his version of "If I Can't Have You" was brilliant, actually. Damn him. I thought he brought the right amount of emotion to that song, which when you hear it in its original disco format kind of doesn't really have any emotion at all. I was also going to use the word "impeccable" to describe his vocals, but you already did, and I guess I just did, so there. I am gaining an appreciation for his talents and his unique versions of songs, and I'll make this proclamation right now: He will win, and he will deserve it.

Smooth: Matt Giraud is not long for this competition. He's doing "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman"... sigh. Is there a list of like 15 songs they use to do Movie Night every year?

E.K.: Yes. Yes, there is.

Smooth: Anyway, Matt did his thing at the piano. He's one of the more inconsistent competitors this year and this was closer to being in the "good" column than than the "bad". He put an R&B spin on the song; a few of his runs were impressive, but as the judges noted he went overboard with it at times. Matt is talented, but he doesn't have the charisma to stay in the game.

E.K.: I think if he weren't skilled at the piano he'd be gone by now. I agree that he has been so up and down, but more often than not now he's down. I thought it was okay, but then again, we're looking for memorable, not okay. Dare I say: He is no Adam Lambert.

Smooth: And then last night he gave a pretty entertaining performance, going right after the Timberlake vibe. Dude does have some soul, and his dancing is certainly better than Gokey's. It's a decent vocal, but he does appear to be trying too hard, throwing in runs and falsetto where they don't necessarily fit, and injecting "woo!"s in a rather non-organic fashion. Nothing has changed from last week; Matt is still a talented guy, he's just not going to win this thing.

E.K.: I, on the other hand, was completely nonplussed by this performance. You simply can not do a Bee Gees song without trying to make it your own and make everyone forget about the falsetto voices the Gibbs used. And he completely failed last night. I know he probably couldn't resist the impulse to use a song called "Stayin' Alive" the week after the judges saved him, but that was so wrong a choice. And as good as Matt can be, we already have a Timberlake. His name is Justin Timberlake. And he's better than Matt Giraud.

Smooth: Danny Gokey sings karaoke staple "Endless Love". Given the harp-driven but mostly standard arrangement, it sho' nuf sounded like karaoke, albeit well-done karaoke. At least it was not a duet. He got a little yelly at times but his control is excellent. Danny sounds great pretty much every week but his song choices at times are very uninspired. He'll undoubtedly be fine until the top 3 at least, but I'd like to see something more from him.

E.K.: Yeah, I had Danny as the favorite going into the final round, but now that Adam is clearly the front-runner Danny is going to have to majorly step up his game. He's a great singer, but here we go with the whole "unmemorable" line again. I suppose I give him credit for trying to win without having the "my wife died recently" thing shoved down our throats.

Smooth: And then last night doing "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire, he was pretty damn cheesy, really. I knew it would be as soon as I heard the song choice. Danny white-boy dances around the stage as I cringed. He puts a few of his own vocal spins on it, but overall it still comes off as karaoke. Of course, his vocals are spot on as usual which is the only thing keeping the whole thing from being totally awful. I do think we'll see Danny in the finals but his stage presence and song choices still need work.

E.K.: I agree with everything you said about Danny last night, except for song choice, and not for the way he sang it, but, dude, because the very first line in the song mentions our birthday! I will never be upset or worried about hearing this song ever. Do you remembah...?

Smooth: Wait for it...

The twenty-first night of Septembah!

Smooth: Moving on, disco boy. For Movie Song Night, Kris Allen did "Falling Slowly" from Once. E.K., you are a fan of this song if I recall correctly so I think you were probably pleased with his choice; it wasn't a lame cliche, it was actually a song integral to a movie.

E.K.: Not only am I a fan of this song (and of the movie, which was the best movie of 2007), but like you said it was the only song sung this past week that actually played a part in the story of a film. It's the first song the two musicians play together at the start of their friendship; it wasn't just a song they put over the closing credits like the ridiculous "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" thing from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Seriously, when does that story take place, the 1400's? And they put a pop ballad on there? Sheezus. Anyhoo (which is a word I never say), that's why I liked Kris' song choice more than anything. And also 'cause it's an awesome song.

Smooth: As I was listening to it I actually felt like it was a relevant performance, something that Kris could actually put on an album today. The downside of this is that may AI viewers will have no idea what this song is, which does not always bode well in terms of votes. Randy called it "pitchy", which baffles me. I thought he sang it really well; it was a tad low for him at first, and there were a few very minor things about his phrasing that I didn't like, but overall I thought he was on pitch. For me he sounded great and performed it very well, but I will definitely be curious to see how the voters responded to this.

E.K.: It was my favorite performance of the night, if you don't count my marveling at Adam for the stones it takes to do what he's doing. He sounded great, and you're right, it would be a reasonable selection for an album. As for AI viewers being less likely to vote for a song they've never heard: You're probably dead-on with that observation, and surely it is a bit of a risk to do a song that not a lot of people are familiar with, but really, how lame is that? Memo to voters: You can like a song the first time you hear it, people.

Smooth: And last night was another good performance from him, although I wouldn't call it anything special. I liked that the guitar actually seemed more integral to his version of "She Works Hard For The Money this time compared to others. It was a unique interpretation of the song and his vocals were typically solid. Of course, the judges love any non-disco interpretation of a disco song. Why do they even have these theme weeks?

E.K.: And again, it was my favorite performance of the night. Kris is really good at all the things he's doing right now. I loved the arrangement, the somewhat Tex-Mex-y feel of the song (I was going to say "Santana-like" but Paula mentioned that and I really would like to distance myself), and his vocals were clean and pure. Great stuff. I think this guy might get to be the one to lose to Adam in the finals.

Smooth: Lil Rounds was in the final spot so you know the producers think she'll do well. She sang "The Rose", starting with the standard arrangement, and then she gospeled it up halfway through. It was more entertaining than most of Lil's performances lately. She sounded okay, but I actually think she got pretty pitchy when she started going on runs in the gospel section. Simon pointed out that it still has no edge to it, which Lil vehemently denied. Simon was right, of course, but in this competition pandering to the voters often works quite well, and I think Lil's performance accomplished that effectively.

E.K.: I thought she sucked.

(long pause)

Smooth: That's it?

E.K.: I'll get to it. Please, continue.

Smooth: Okay, well, for me this week, Lil was much worse than last week. A very boring, copycat performance, and to top it all off her vocals weren't very good (Paula claims she's had some throat problems or something). She's off key at times and runs out of breath at others since it's such a big song. I feel a little bad for Lil since she is getting criticized so much, but she just doesn't know what she's doing up there. She is picking the wrong songs and she just has no direction as an artist. Still, even though she didn't do a great job, I do think she is showing more personality than some of the other contestants. As we know, this can sometimes keep a person safe no matter how horrible they are.

E.K.: I thought she sucked.

(long pause)

Smooth: Okay, you can elaborate, y'know?

(takes deep breath) I'm just so goddamn pissed off that we've had to sit through weeks of Lil's crappy performances. Look, Megan Joy was not the best singer in the world, but at least she was adorable and unique in her floundering and foundering, and she was never boring or routine, at least for me. I guess that's where I'm heading with this. And it's not just Megan Joy: Alexis, and even Jorge to a certain extent, got jobbed when considering how far Lil has gone. They were all themselves, and they knew what they were doing, and they were never fake. Lil's just a wannabe copycat wedding singer. I thought she had talent during the audition weeks, but I'm wondering where the hell did it all go? And it's not just that she's trying to be other artists and not being herself: She just flat can't sing right now! She's off-pitch and she's doing hackneyed songs. "I'm Every Woman"? First of all, Mandisa tore that song up a few years ago and Lil is no Mandisa. She's not even half of Mandisa (figuratively and literally.) She's a poor man's Asia'h Epperson.

Smooth: Wow!

E.K.: And that song choice to begin with: I mean, Chaka Khan is a very respected artist in the industry but if I hear that song one more time I'm going to pull my own arms off, beat myself to death with them, and then put the right arm back where the left one was and the left arm back where the right one was. She is a complete bust. She is the Tony Mandarich of American Idol. Bring back Michael Johns. Bring back Carly. Hell, I'd be happy if they brought Sanjaya back to take her place. And the reason she gets criticized so much is that she sucks. I'm sure she's a great human being and I'm sure she's a great friend, but she is boring me to tears every week and she does not deserve to be on the show anymore. It's pathetic watching her tell us how good she thought she was and that the judges are off-base. Because they're not. American Idol winners do not have to defend themselves when the judges tear them down. Because the judges don't tear those people down, because those people are awesome. And I don't care how much fun you claim you're having on stage, Lil; isn't it also important that I, the potential voter, have fun while watching you? (gets down off the soapbox)

Smooth: Apropos of nothing, I think Lil should marry Lol Creme, so they could send out Christmas cards from Lol 'n' Lil Creme.

E.K.: I think Megan Joy should marry me so that I can be married to Megan Joy. Anyway, I'm not sure how they're going to conduct the whole "Let's see who's in the Bottom 3" business tonight, since two of them will be gone due to the judges' save of Matt last week. Here's how I would organize it based on my predictions for the vote: First, they will tell Lil that she is safe.

Smooth: Umm, what? But you just said--

E.K.: I know. But I don't think America is as remotely bothered by Lil's performances as I am.

Smooth: (twiddles non-existent handlebar moustache) Interesting!

E.K.: Then they will divide the remaining six into two groups: Danny, Kris and Matt in one group, and the three A's -- Adam, Allison and Anoop -- in the other. After the Ford commercial starring your Top 7, Adam and Danny will be told they are safe. Later on, Ryan will tell Allison that she is in the bottom 2, sending Anoop back to the couch and Allison to the stage to sing "Hot Stuff" once more before leaving the show. Then, Ryan will approach Kris and Matt and he will tell Matt, "Last week, the judges saved you. This week, the voters...did not." And Matt will sing one last time, ironically, "Stayin' Alive."

Smooth: I refuse to be that elaborate in my details. Matt, Lil and Allison will be in the bottom 3, and I think Matt is gone fo' sheezy, and after that it's a tough call but I'll go with Allison.

E.K.: Fair enough. So we have the same two people leaving. Also, we both think Lil is safe. You are not bothered by this as much as I am.

Smooth: No, sir.

E.K.: We shall see tonight. Go Blazers!

Smooth: I second the notion that Go Blazers! is the correct attitude.

E.K.: Megan Joy, will you marry me?

Smooth: Oh, don't.