Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A.I.: HOLLYWOOD WEEK
Okay, so I've been sick for much of the last seven days and didn't get around to writing anything about the last couple hours of A.I. auditions. You'll just have to remember in your head, and your mind, and your brain, too, how well I did in past weeks and judge me from there.
So the big change in Hollywood Week this year was the addition of the option to play a musical instrument during the early round. And on came Brooke White, our resident Never-Seen-An-R-Rated-Movie contestant, to accompany herself on the keyboard. And she did well, prompting Simon to compare her to a sort of Carole King/Carly Simon hybrid, whereupon she said "Thank you!" and her eyes rolled back in her head as though she were having an orgasm (it's a look I know well, of course). By virtue of her passing this stage of the audition, she was shuttled off to the next round without any more ado.
Up next were a few people who weren't so fortunate and thus who had to endure three more days before knowing whether they'd pass through. This group included the cute abstinence-lover Amy "Whatevs!" Flynn, who, I guess, said she sang for "you and me, Simon," at which point he said, "In that case it's a no," and many in the crowd could be heard cringing in their boots. A few more nondescript singers with instruments clogged the stage for a time, including Jake Mellema, who decided to play drums while singing a wretched version of "Hooked On A Feeling". It was complete crap.
David Hernandez was a huge hit with the judges with his version of "Love The One You're With"; I didn't agree that it was spectacular, but so far there hadn't been much to compete with him (at least in the order the producers presented the singers to us; for all we the viewers know, he was first on stage). After David came rock and roll nurse Amanda Overmyer, who blasted out some Doors. I thought this audition was quite bad; every karaoke night ever in the history of ever has had someone sing like this, and it isn't spectacular then either. Randy, apparently suffering from deafness, said she was "so different" and "so unique", which she most certainly is not. She's just a lesser version of Janis Joplin four decades later.
Up next came a medley of people who forgot the words to their songs. Dude: You're singing "Stuck In The Middle With You"...how do you forget those words? Since Reservoir Dogs, everyone on Earth has heard this song 84,000 times. And Cardin McKinney, you're still quite hot, and you nearly spared me the horror of having to root for a girl named "Cardin" when you forgot your lyrics. (What, was "Jane" taken the day you were born?) And Ghaleb Eamacha, if I got the spelling right, was most accurately described by Simon as a singing waiter who comes up to you in a bad restaurant and murders Bryan Adams (by trying to do one of his songs, not by killing him). The only thing Ghaleb had going for him was that Cardin wanted him to kiss her.
Now, Josiah Leming, let this be known: I hate your affected, pretentious and might I add fake British accent you put on when you sing. It's stupid, dude. How do you get away with that nonsense? (More important, how do British people get away with sounding American when they sing?) I'm not fooled by that, Josiah; it is fraudulent, pure and simple. Simon said he would remember Josiah's audition the most; I will too, 'cause it sucked. And yet, through all this crap, I still kind of like the kid.
A string of good performances: Danny Noriega, who will be a big hit with the gay voters, not that there is anything wrong with that; Carly Smithson, who still has a tinge of a lovely Irish accent and who can wail with the best of them; and Michael Johns, the Aussie Daughtry-ish soul singer. After that was a succession of people doing "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)," none of whom stood out much. And then there was Kyle Ensley, the wannabe politician stopping in for an A.I. stint before political fame; he provided enough cheese to top a pizza for thirty hungry NFL lineman and at this point I wondered how he had gotten this far to begin with. Simon walked out of the auditiorium while Paula hemmed and hawed over whether to pass him.
"Good luck; it's do or die," exhorted Simon, as the next stage began. Herded onto the stage in groups of ten, those who couldn't get a free pass to the next round sang some a cappella before being judged right then and there. Single parents Suzanne Toon and Perrie Cataldo were among those sent packing, as were Amy "Whatevs!" Flynn, who is certainly still very cute, and Angela Martin, whose daughter had that horrible disease and whose dad had apparently just been killed somehow (yikes).
Sixteen-year-old David Archuleta took the stage and became the first bona fide star of Season 7 as Simon called him "incredible". Kyle Ensley returned to an apology from Simon for walking out, and he actually impressed the judges with "You Raise Me Up." (I'm still not convinced, at all, but he has the makings of a Kevin Covais-like run, I suppose). Jeffrey Lampkin bungled "A Whole New World," Season 7's first auditioner Joey Catalano awoke with a migraine and couldn't battle past it, Syesha Mercado made it despite some laryngitis. Michael Johns made it through, as did Carly Smithson, who discovered she was allergic to her dog and that's why she wasn't as good as she had known to be, and Asia'h Epperson, whom I did not recall being that hot; man, was she smokin'. Brooke Helvie, the annoying pageant queen but not-so-much-annoying singer, watched as Paula agonized over whether to put her through, and strangely, the normally acquiescent Paula couldn't play the friend this time. Brooke then cried, "I just wish I was given a fair chance," which made me think, exactly what did they have you do, girl? Sing while being waterboarded?
Finally, Drama Time, as faux-Brit Josiah Leming couldn't communicate with the band in their late night session the night before and who decided to dismiss the band from the stage prior to his final audition. He did some a cappella "Stand By Me", and it wasn't great, but the judges remembered how much they liked him from before, and the kid who lives in his car was given a pass to the next stage. Now, we're down to about 50 contestants, and that group will be whittled down to the final 24 with tomorrow's episode.
So the big change in Hollywood Week this year was the addition of the option to play a musical instrument during the early round. And on came Brooke White, our resident Never-Seen-An-R-Rated-Movie contestant, to accompany herself on the keyboard. And she did well, prompting Simon to compare her to a sort of Carole King/Carly Simon hybrid, whereupon she said "Thank you!" and her eyes rolled back in her head as though she were having an orgasm (it's a look I know well, of course). By virtue of her passing this stage of the audition, she was shuttled off to the next round without any more ado.
Up next were a few people who weren't so fortunate and thus who had to endure three more days before knowing whether they'd pass through. This group included the cute abstinence-lover Amy "Whatevs!" Flynn, who, I guess, said she sang for "you and me, Simon," at which point he said, "In that case it's a no," and many in the crowd could be heard cringing in their boots. A few more nondescript singers with instruments clogged the stage for a time, including Jake Mellema, who decided to play drums while singing a wretched version of "Hooked On A Feeling". It was complete crap.
David Hernandez was a huge hit with the judges with his version of "Love The One You're With"; I didn't agree that it was spectacular, but so far there hadn't been much to compete with him (at least in the order the producers presented the singers to us; for all we the viewers know, he was first on stage). After David came rock and roll nurse Amanda Overmyer, who blasted out some Doors. I thought this audition was quite bad; every karaoke night ever in the history of ever has had someone sing like this, and it isn't spectacular then either. Randy, apparently suffering from deafness, said she was "so different" and "so unique", which she most certainly is not. She's just a lesser version of Janis Joplin four decades later.
Up next came a medley of people who forgot the words to their songs. Dude: You're singing "Stuck In The Middle With You"...how do you forget those words? Since Reservoir Dogs, everyone on Earth has heard this song 84,000 times. And Cardin McKinney, you're still quite hot, and you nearly spared me the horror of having to root for a girl named "Cardin" when you forgot your lyrics. (What, was "Jane" taken the day you were born?) And Ghaleb Eamacha, if I got the spelling right, was most accurately described by Simon as a singing waiter who comes up to you in a bad restaurant and murders Bryan Adams (by trying to do one of his songs, not by killing him). The only thing Ghaleb had going for him was that Cardin wanted him to kiss her.
Now, Josiah Leming, let this be known: I hate your affected, pretentious and might I add fake British accent you put on when you sing. It's stupid, dude. How do you get away with that nonsense? (More important, how do British people get away with sounding American when they sing?) I'm not fooled by that, Josiah; it is fraudulent, pure and simple. Simon said he would remember Josiah's audition the most; I will too, 'cause it sucked. And yet, through all this crap, I still kind of like the kid.
A string of good performances: Danny Noriega, who will be a big hit with the gay voters, not that there is anything wrong with that; Carly Smithson, who still has a tinge of a lovely Irish accent and who can wail with the best of them; and Michael Johns, the Aussie Daughtry-ish soul singer. After that was a succession of people doing "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)," none of whom stood out much. And then there was Kyle Ensley, the wannabe politician stopping in for an A.I. stint before political fame; he provided enough cheese to top a pizza for thirty hungry NFL lineman and at this point I wondered how he had gotten this far to begin with. Simon walked out of the auditiorium while Paula hemmed and hawed over whether to pass him.
"Good luck; it's do or die," exhorted Simon, as the next stage began. Herded onto the stage in groups of ten, those who couldn't get a free pass to the next round sang some a cappella before being judged right then and there. Single parents Suzanne Toon and Perrie Cataldo were among those sent packing, as were Amy "Whatevs!" Flynn, who is certainly still very cute, and Angela Martin, whose daughter had that horrible disease and whose dad had apparently just been killed somehow (yikes).
Sixteen-year-old David Archuleta took the stage and became the first bona fide star of Season 7 as Simon called him "incredible". Kyle Ensley returned to an apology from Simon for walking out, and he actually impressed the judges with "You Raise Me Up." (I'm still not convinced, at all, but he has the makings of a Kevin Covais-like run, I suppose). Jeffrey Lampkin bungled "A Whole New World," Season 7's first auditioner Joey Catalano awoke with a migraine and couldn't battle past it, Syesha Mercado made it despite some laryngitis. Michael Johns made it through, as did Carly Smithson, who discovered she was allergic to her dog and that's why she wasn't as good as she had known to be, and Asia'h Epperson, whom I did not recall being that hot; man, was she smokin'. Brooke Helvie, the annoying pageant queen but not-so-much-annoying singer, watched as Paula agonized over whether to put her through, and strangely, the normally acquiescent Paula couldn't play the friend this time. Brooke then cried, "I just wish I was given a fair chance," which made me think, exactly what did they have you do, girl? Sing while being waterboarded?
Finally, Drama Time, as faux-Brit Josiah Leming couldn't communicate with the band in their late night session the night before and who decided to dismiss the band from the stage prior to his final audition. He did some a cappella "Stand By Me", and it wasn't great, but the judges remembered how much they liked him from before, and the kid who lives in his car was given a pass to the next stage. Now, we're down to about 50 contestants, and that group will be whittled down to the final 24 with tomorrow's episode.
