Thursday, January 17, 2008
AMERICAN IDOL: NEXT STOP, DALLAS
First up was Jessica Brown, a Debbie Gibson lookalike who used to do meth and get into trouble. But she's turned her life around and now, thanks to a nice rendition of The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You", she's off to Hollywood, where she just might encounter drugs again. Not going to Hollywood is roller-coaster enthusiast Paul Stafford, who did not render a splendid version of Elliott Yamin's "Wait For You". The judges acknowledged how nice he was, and he took their rejection in stride, although outside he noted that he was surpised that Simon wasn't too hard on him, saying, "Simon goes down on just about everyone." I don't think that's what Paul meant. Anyway, good luck, Paul, on your future endeavors; is Six Flags still open out there in Texas?
Next up was Beth Maddocks, who used to be a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant, and after hearing her vocals, I must resist the easy opportunity for a "fon-DON'T" joke. And what was with Gregory and Mia Tobias, who auditioned together, and by "together" I mean together. We were told it was some Italian opera, but I just heard two different songs being sung at the same time, and it was a mess and why even bother with that?
Then we were introduced to Bruce Dickson, a 19-year-old who has never kissed a girl, and doesn't yet want to. Now, that may be weird enough, but the creepy part is that he wears a key around his neck, and his dad wears a heart that fits around that key his, and when Bruce finally meets that one special girl, he is going to have his dad present her with that heart so that they can do their One True Love thing to their hearts' content. Ryan Seacrest told his dad, "If he meets the girl out in Hollywood, you're gonna be in big trouble," but after all the fuss and feather, it didn't matter, because Bruce's singing was not the key to a trip out West. When he asked Randy for advice, Randy said simply, "Kiss some girls." And you know, I think that might work.
In walked Pia "Zpia" Easley, a 24-year-old from Chicago with some sort of shaved-head mini-Mohawk thing going on, and as soon as she walked in, I knew she was going to sail through to Hollywood. Unlike last year's perpetually-surprised-and-humble Melinda Doolittle, this background singer was not to be trifled with. She blew out a Gladys Knight number and boom, she's off to the next round. After which we were treated to the Ziploc bag of old torn-off fingernails owned by Brandon Green, and seriously, why even put that on your bio sheet? He did "Rich Girl" okay; I suppose since Simon was the lone "no" vote that Brandon did not "nail" the audition -- ba-dum bum. And there they go, off to Hollywood, Brandon Green and His Bag Of Nails. (What a name for a 1970's psychedelic funk-rock band that would be.)
When you get into a vicious car accident and lose an eye but you're still alive, I suppose you have reason to celebrate, and that appears to be what Kayla Hatfield does all the time. She's a mile-a-minute and really, really enjoys life; I was kind of reminded of Amanda Plummer in the opening scene of "Pulp Fiction" as she gleefully prepares to rob the restaurant. The vivacious accident-survivor gave a raucous-if-not-vocally-stellar version of "Piece Of My Heart" and was literally speechless when Simon said yes to a trip to Hollywood, suggesting that rock stars should all be "a bit mad, in a good way." Kayla had to wait for a yes-vote from Randy to get through to Hollywood, and after he did offer it, she still couldn't speak. It was probably the only time in her life that happened.
Kady Malloy, a gorgeous blonde, came into the room and told the judges she could do vocal impressions of Britney Spears and such, and, curiously, the guy from Rascal Flatts. And true to her words, her breathy take of a Britney song was indeed spot-on (no Rascal Flatts take, though). Then she started her audition for real, but this time she seemed to be channeling Carrie Underwood as she sang "Before He Cheats." Once again, she was spot-on, but I don't think she was trying to do that. Simon stopped her once more and implored her to sing as herself. When she did finally "make it her own", she was as good as ever and had an easy ticket to the California round.
(A quick word about the song "Before He Cheats": If you like this song and think the message is cool, think about the lyrics for a second. The protagonist decides to destroy her boyfriend's truck because she thinks he might be cheating on her. He's not guilty of anything, he's just "probably slow dancing with a bleach blond tramp" or "probably up behind her with a pool-stick". Probably, she sings. So she's just guessing. The title says it all: before he cheats. He hasn't done it yet, apparently! So why the vandalism? The message of this song, frankly, sucks. Now, on with with the countdown....)
Up next came the oddest audition in a long time. Here's Douglas Davidson (think Dwight Shrute under heavy medication). He likes to warm up before he sings. In the audition room, with the judges waiting. He utters some guttural moans while pacing the floor. Then he sings "Livin' On A Prayer," which is suppose is apropos of the moment. And it's not good, at all. Then he wanders around again, warming up again. Then he keeps singing, and singing, and singing, while Simon, Paula and Randy alternate laughing and cringing and saying no. The judges call for security, and Douglas sings some more. Finally he is ushered out by security, and Simon says, "They're gonna take you to a safe place now." On his way out into the Dallas sunlight, he continues warming up. I'd never been so excited for a commercial break in my life.
Angela Reilly, yet another very cute blonde, brought in her doting new husband Chad to determine what song she would sing, and frankly, he should have told her not to, but he loves her and he loves her singing, and we had to hear "Baby Love" and "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", and if it were her best shot, it's just not going to be good. "Love is deaf," Simon said. After that came Kyle Ensley, a wannabe politician with hopes of being the American Idol in the interim. Clad in a yellow dress shirt and red tie, he told us (prodded by the producers, no doubt) what he would do if he were elected American Idol. He even got the producers to make for him a pseudo-campaign ad before showing his audition. Surprisingly, he was pretty good; I mean, it was definitely High-School-Musical quality, without the capitalization. Simon gave an immediate yes, to which Paula exclaimed, "Wow!" But in the end, "something came over me, it's called niceness" and Paula decided to vote him on to Hollywood.
If there is a more charisma-free person on the planet than Tammy Tuzinski, I'd be surprised. The utterly drab Tammy just seemed completely bored by everything and everyone and thus made for an extremely boring audition. Except for when she told the judges she was going to sing "The Power Of Love" by Celine Dion but then inexplicably started warbling "If You Asked Me To" instead. The judges stopped her, asked her, what song are you singing again, and she said, "The Power Of Love." Apparently she is so bored she distracts herself by just existing. "You mean 'If You Asked Me To'," they said. She replied, "Yeah." Okay, then. Long story short, she is not going to Hollywood. Colton Swon is, however, after his rendition of "Boondocks" which didn't impress Simon, but no matter. Colton then did one of those timeworn things Idol contestants do in an attempt to be cute: Upon leaving the auduition room to go back to family and friends, he hid his golden ticket, I guess in an attempt to fool them into thinking he didn't make it, and then suddenly whipped it out ("Ha ha I gotchoo!"). This trend needs to stop.
Following a bizarre clip segment of various transvestites and cross-dressers, farmer boy Drew Poppelreiter came on and did his best Randy-Travis-or-whoever-it-was impression and Simon said no, because "It's not my thing" (translation: "Country music sucks"). But he made it to Hollywood. Not so for Kyle Reinneck, who needs to learn that you don't bring pictures of kids on a posterboard into the room to show the judges. Has anyone ever passed the audition after doing this? Also, the eyeliner was a bit odd. As was the reprise of his audition while the judges were telling him no. When they say no, just stop. Then Nina Shaw, a striking black girl with legs all the way to the floor, came in and squeaked by with an audition that Simon called "old-fashioned" but that Randy described as "retro", in a good way.
Words can not do justice to the silly audition that ended the show. It's Reno, Nevada's own Renaldo Lapuz, and though he's not going to Hollywood (he's 44, fer cryin' out loud), he sure livened up this party. Here's the link to the YouTube clip of Renaldo's audition. Enjoy.
Next up was Beth Maddocks, who used to be a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant, and after hearing her vocals, I must resist the easy opportunity for a "fon-DON'T" joke. And what was with Gregory and Mia Tobias, who auditioned together, and by "together" I mean together. We were told it was some Italian opera, but I just heard two different songs being sung at the same time, and it was a mess and why even bother with that?
Then we were introduced to Bruce Dickson, a 19-year-old who has never kissed a girl, and doesn't yet want to. Now, that may be weird enough, but the creepy part is that he wears a key around his neck, and his dad wears a heart that fits around that key his, and when Bruce finally meets that one special girl, he is going to have his dad present her with that heart so that they can do their One True Love thing to their hearts' content. Ryan Seacrest told his dad, "If he meets the girl out in Hollywood, you're gonna be in big trouble," but after all the fuss and feather, it didn't matter, because Bruce's singing was not the key to a trip out West. When he asked Randy for advice, Randy said simply, "Kiss some girls." And you know, I think that might work.
In walked Pia "Zpia" Easley, a 24-year-old from Chicago with some sort of shaved-head mini-Mohawk thing going on, and as soon as she walked in, I knew she was going to sail through to Hollywood. Unlike last year's perpetually-surprised-and-humble Melinda Doolittle, this background singer was not to be trifled with. She blew out a Gladys Knight number and boom, she's off to the next round. After which we were treated to the Ziploc bag of old torn-off fingernails owned by Brandon Green, and seriously, why even put that on your bio sheet? He did "Rich Girl" okay; I suppose since Simon was the lone "no" vote that Brandon did not "nail" the audition -- ba-dum bum. And there they go, off to Hollywood, Brandon Green and His Bag Of Nails. (What a name for a 1970's psychedelic funk-rock band that would be.)
When you get into a vicious car accident and lose an eye but you're still alive, I suppose you have reason to celebrate, and that appears to be what Kayla Hatfield does all the time. She's a mile-a-minute and really, really enjoys life; I was kind of reminded of Amanda Plummer in the opening scene of "Pulp Fiction" as she gleefully prepares to rob the restaurant. The vivacious accident-survivor gave a raucous-if-not-vocally-stellar version of "Piece Of My Heart" and was literally speechless when Simon said yes to a trip to Hollywood, suggesting that rock stars should all be "a bit mad, in a good way." Kayla had to wait for a yes-vote from Randy to get through to Hollywood, and after he did offer it, she still couldn't speak. It was probably the only time in her life that happened.
Kady Malloy, a gorgeous blonde, came into the room and told the judges she could do vocal impressions of Britney Spears and such, and, curiously, the guy from Rascal Flatts. And true to her words, her breathy take of a Britney song was indeed spot-on (no Rascal Flatts take, though). Then she started her audition for real, but this time she seemed to be channeling Carrie Underwood as she sang "Before He Cheats." Once again, she was spot-on, but I don't think she was trying to do that. Simon stopped her once more and implored her to sing as herself. When she did finally "make it her own", she was as good as ever and had an easy ticket to the California round.
(A quick word about the song "Before He Cheats": If you like this song and think the message is cool, think about the lyrics for a second. The protagonist decides to destroy her boyfriend's truck because she thinks he might be cheating on her. He's not guilty of anything, he's just "probably slow dancing with a bleach blond tramp" or "probably up behind her with a pool-stick". Probably, she sings. So she's just guessing. The title says it all: before he cheats. He hasn't done it yet, apparently! So why the vandalism? The message of this song, frankly, sucks. Now, on with with the countdown....)
Up next came the oddest audition in a long time. Here's Douglas Davidson (think Dwight Shrute under heavy medication). He likes to warm up before he sings. In the audition room, with the judges waiting. He utters some guttural moans while pacing the floor. Then he sings "Livin' On A Prayer," which is suppose is apropos of the moment. And it's not good, at all. Then he wanders around again, warming up again. Then he keeps singing, and singing, and singing, while Simon, Paula and Randy alternate laughing and cringing and saying no. The judges call for security, and Douglas sings some more. Finally he is ushered out by security, and Simon says, "They're gonna take you to a safe place now." On his way out into the Dallas sunlight, he continues warming up. I'd never been so excited for a commercial break in my life.
Angela Reilly, yet another very cute blonde, brought in her doting new husband Chad to determine what song she would sing, and frankly, he should have told her not to, but he loves her and he loves her singing, and we had to hear "Baby Love" and "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", and if it were her best shot, it's just not going to be good. "Love is deaf," Simon said. After that came Kyle Ensley, a wannabe politician with hopes of being the American Idol in the interim. Clad in a yellow dress shirt and red tie, he told us (prodded by the producers, no doubt) what he would do if he were elected American Idol. He even got the producers to make for him a pseudo-campaign ad before showing his audition. Surprisingly, he was pretty good; I mean, it was definitely High-School-Musical quality, without the capitalization. Simon gave an immediate yes, to which Paula exclaimed, "Wow!" But in the end, "something came over me, it's called niceness" and Paula decided to vote him on to Hollywood.
If there is a more charisma-free person on the planet than Tammy Tuzinski, I'd be surprised. The utterly drab Tammy just seemed completely bored by everything and everyone and thus made for an extremely boring audition. Except for when she told the judges she was going to sing "The Power Of Love" by Celine Dion but then inexplicably started warbling "If You Asked Me To" instead. The judges stopped her, asked her, what song are you singing again, and she said, "The Power Of Love." Apparently she is so bored she distracts herself by just existing. "You mean 'If You Asked Me To'," they said. She replied, "Yeah." Okay, then. Long story short, she is not going to Hollywood. Colton Swon is, however, after his rendition of "Boondocks" which didn't impress Simon, but no matter. Colton then did one of those timeworn things Idol contestants do in an attempt to be cute: Upon leaving the auduition room to go back to family and friends, he hid his golden ticket, I guess in an attempt to fool them into thinking he didn't make it, and then suddenly whipped it out ("Ha ha I gotchoo!"). This trend needs to stop.
Following a bizarre clip segment of various transvestites and cross-dressers, farmer boy Drew Poppelreiter came on and did his best Randy-Travis-or-whoever-it-was impression and Simon said no, because "It's not my thing" (translation: "Country music sucks"). But he made it to Hollywood. Not so for Kyle Reinneck, who needs to learn that you don't bring pictures of kids on a posterboard into the room to show the judges. Has anyone ever passed the audition after doing this? Also, the eyeliner was a bit odd. As was the reprise of his audition while the judges were telling him no. When they say no, just stop. Then Nina Shaw, a striking black girl with legs all the way to the floor, came in and squeaked by with an audition that Simon called "old-fashioned" but that Randy described as "retro", in a good way.
Words can not do justice to the silly audition that ended the show. It's Reno, Nevada's own Renaldo Lapuz, and though he's not going to Hollywood (he's 44, fer cryin' out loud), he sure livened up this party. Here's the link to the YouTube clip of Renaldo's audition. Enjoy.
