Thursday, January 24, 2008
A.I.: NEXT STOPS, SAN DIEGO AND CAROLINA
A sexy girl named Tetiana in a smokin' reddish dress came out and gave a smoky rendition of "Someone To Watch Over Me" to get the San Diego auditions underway in fine style. Then there was Perrie Cataldo, whose wife has been suffering from death for a while because she was in "the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people", and after he solicited three yes votes from the judges he brought out his cute little pony-tailed daughter for all to see. Oh, wait, that was a boy. Ix-nay on the onytail-pay, kiddo.
A third consecutive good singer to start the show came in the form of Aussie Michael Johns, who piled on with some Otis Redding. But the talent was interrupted by some very bad singers who tried way too hard to impress and left with zero yes votes between them.
Here's a set-up: The editors began Valerie Reyes' segment by including the part where she said she laughs at the hilariously bad auditions. No points for guessing that the screeching she did while trying to imitate Mariah Carey -- whom she actually said people thought she sounded like -- put her in the category of bad auditions, which she realized in her exit interview. "Now I'm gonna be on the rejects. Oh, this is so not cool." Actually, yes, it is, Valerie. Very much so. Ta-ta for now, and take your ta-tas with you.
Someone brought in a mime to act out the lyrics to his song. There are no words.
Usually when you predict you are Hollywood-Bound For Sure, that is not a good sign. Monique Gibson didn't stop singing when the judges started laughing, which is a sign that the delusions will continue and continue and continue. After her first vetoed attempt, she said, "What about this?" and launched into more singing, and then more. "I'm not getting through to you, am I?" asked Simon, and eventually, the crying began. Christopher Mitchell followed, and he might have set an A.I. record by singing seven songs off key. Dude.
Samantha Musa brought her Simon-loving sister in to sit with the judges, and after they gave Samantha a golden ticket, the sisters and Simon had a group hug. Awwwww. And by "awwwww" I mean, "Give me your hat. I am going to puke in it."
Memo to Blake Boshnack: If you have tried out for American Idol ten times, you're probably not going to make it on your eleventh, especially since the judges remember you for being the Statue of Liberty guy two years back who sang only two words, "Start spreadin'" before Simon gave you "the news" that he was not going to pass. And it didn't get better this time. Duhhhh.
Alberto Hurtado, a long-haired flower-sniffing doll-twirling Press-On-Nail-sporting hippie -- wel, I guess that's all that needs to be said. That was a no. As it was for Aaron Garrett, whose singing "talents" apparently were comprised of the lyrics "Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone." Dude, leave us alone. You're not good. David Archuleta was good, considering he used to suffer from some vocal paralysis. He gave a pretty solid rendition of "Waiting On The World To Change" which was rudely interrupted by Randy doing some backing vocals.
Carly Smithson made it past the auditions two years ago but the Irish girl had some visa problems and was DQ'ed. She tried again, and though Simon said she wasn't as good this time, she made it, and she and her massively-facially-tattooed husband walked off into the sunset with a trip to Hollywood in the offing. That was the end of Tuesday's show.
I went into Wednesday's show predicting that the winner of A.I. would come from these auditions (or at least from the South). So I was thrown for a loop when the first few singers were just bad, bad, bad. This included a guy named Randy Stark who met a girl while writing on-line at an American Idol website (I mean, seriously, who does that???......oh, wait....never mind) and who allowed this girl to start singing with him halfway through his already horrible audition. However, they were all very polite about being rejected, and later the throng of auditioners gathered in the arena would suggest that this is all about "Southern hospitality."
A very large brother-sister combo, Michelle and Jeffrey Lampkin, auditioned together. They seemed to be a bit goofy but they were actually pretty good. Final tally: Jeffrey three yeses, Michelle two, trips to Hollywood two. As they left, Simon told Jeffrey he had "three months to get your sister in shape." I'm assuming they thought he meant vocally, but I think it alluded to Simon's desire to see thinner women while not caring about how fat the men are.
Next up was Amy Catherine Flynn, a very cute dance team captain (score!) who preaches abstinence (drat!). Before she sang she gave one of those "Save it for marriage" speeches ("If you can wait a day, why not wait five years?"...I mean, of course, right? Sheesh!). Amy Catherine (or "Amy, A.C., whatevs," -- I mean, "whatevs"??? I honestly didn't think anyone ever actually said that) gave a pretty good, if not a bit high-school-musicalish, performance, and the judges put her through, although Simon said a lot of people will find her annoying. Despite her being a girl who gives Abstinence-Is-Good speeches and says "whatevs", she was floored by this revelation. But again, she is very cute, and while I couldn't care less about hearing her, I will want to at least see her in the episodes to come.
London Weidberg is another very attractive girl, and Simon had the same thought I did while she sang: She is adequate but she is indistinguishable from any other good-looking blonde singer. She will probably not go very far this season, despite maybe winning some sympathy due to the fact that the producers laid it on thick about how she lost her dad to cancer a few years ago, and I apologize for how this sentence is constructed.
Then there was Lindsey Goodwin, just your run-of-the-mill hottie who flies C-17 planes for the military. (Big deal, right? I have a blog where I talk about American Idol. Take that, Linds, you underachiever!) Sadly, she underachieved for real in her audition: She was okay enough, but the judges felt she lacked confidence and couldn't put her through to the next round. She flies C-17s but doesn't have the confidence to sing in front of three people? This was my first real disappointment of the season: She was gorgeous and likeable and we can tell she can sing, she just didn't Sing, and alas, it's the end for her.
Aretha Codner said she was just as good as Fantasia and went on to prove, in several different keys, why she was actually not that good and not worthy of being named after the Queen of Soul. After that, there was Joshua Boson, who sucked but still had the balls to say, "My talent is far too big for this competition to hold." Umm, yeah, hold this, Joshua. He also told Simon that American Idol is "fake and rigged." Yeah, actually, Joshua, your rejection is proof that it is not. Now get out of here.
Finally, there was Oliver Highman, who was to be the first auditioner in good old S.C. but his wife called and said her water had broken and he needed to take her to the hospital. Apparently his wife giving birth was higher on his priority list than him singing karaoke, so he left. But here he was, back on the second day, and he didn't make it to Hollywood after all. He brought his wife and baby in post-votum and there was a bunch of "Awww, how cute"s and I threw up again. We'll talk more next week. I'll bet you can't wait.
A third consecutive good singer to start the show came in the form of Aussie Michael Johns, who piled on with some Otis Redding. But the talent was interrupted by some very bad singers who tried way too hard to impress and left with zero yes votes between them.
Here's a set-up: The editors began Valerie Reyes' segment by including the part where she said she laughs at the hilariously bad auditions. No points for guessing that the screeching she did while trying to imitate Mariah Carey -- whom she actually said people thought she sounded like -- put her in the category of bad auditions, which she realized in her exit interview. "Now I'm gonna be on the rejects. Oh, this is so not cool." Actually, yes, it is, Valerie. Very much so. Ta-ta for now, and take your ta-tas with you.
Someone brought in a mime to act out the lyrics to his song. There are no words.
Usually when you predict you are Hollywood-Bound For Sure, that is not a good sign. Monique Gibson didn't stop singing when the judges started laughing, which is a sign that the delusions will continue and continue and continue. After her first vetoed attempt, she said, "What about this?" and launched into more singing, and then more. "I'm not getting through to you, am I?" asked Simon, and eventually, the crying began. Christopher Mitchell followed, and he might have set an A.I. record by singing seven songs off key. Dude.
Samantha Musa brought her Simon-loving sister in to sit with the judges, and after they gave Samantha a golden ticket, the sisters and Simon had a group hug. Awwwww. And by "awwwww" I mean, "Give me your hat. I am going to puke in it."
Memo to Blake Boshnack: If you have tried out for American Idol ten times, you're probably not going to make it on your eleventh, especially since the judges remember you for being the Statue of Liberty guy two years back who sang only two words, "Start spreadin'" before Simon gave you "the news" that he was not going to pass. And it didn't get better this time. Duhhhh.
Alberto Hurtado, a long-haired flower-sniffing doll-twirling Press-On-Nail-sporting hippie -- wel, I guess that's all that needs to be said. That was a no. As it was for Aaron Garrett, whose singing "talents" apparently were comprised of the lyrics "Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone." Dude, leave us alone. You're not good. David Archuleta was good, considering he used to suffer from some vocal paralysis. He gave a pretty solid rendition of "Waiting On The World To Change" which was rudely interrupted by Randy doing some backing vocals.
Carly Smithson made it past the auditions two years ago but the Irish girl had some visa problems and was DQ'ed. She tried again, and though Simon said she wasn't as good this time, she made it, and she and her massively-facially-tattooed husband walked off into the sunset with a trip to Hollywood in the offing. That was the end of Tuesday's show.
I went into Wednesday's show predicting that the winner of A.I. would come from these auditions (or at least from the South). So I was thrown for a loop when the first few singers were just bad, bad, bad. This included a guy named Randy Stark who met a girl while writing on-line at an American Idol website (I mean, seriously, who does that???......oh, wait....never mind) and who allowed this girl to start singing with him halfway through his already horrible audition. However, they were all very polite about being rejected, and later the throng of auditioners gathered in the arena would suggest that this is all about "Southern hospitality."
A very large brother-sister combo, Michelle and Jeffrey Lampkin, auditioned together. They seemed to be a bit goofy but they were actually pretty good. Final tally: Jeffrey three yeses, Michelle two, trips to Hollywood two. As they left, Simon told Jeffrey he had "three months to get your sister in shape." I'm assuming they thought he meant vocally, but I think it alluded to Simon's desire to see thinner women while not caring about how fat the men are.
Next up was Amy Catherine Flynn, a very cute dance team captain (score!) who preaches abstinence (drat!). Before she sang she gave one of those "Save it for marriage" speeches ("If you can wait a day, why not wait five years?"...I mean, of course, right? Sheesh!). Amy Catherine (or "Amy, A.C., whatevs," -- I mean, "whatevs"??? I honestly didn't think anyone ever actually said that) gave a pretty good, if not a bit high-school-musicalish, performance, and the judges put her through, although Simon said a lot of people will find her annoying. Despite her being a girl who gives Abstinence-Is-Good speeches and says "whatevs", she was floored by this revelation. But again, she is very cute, and while I couldn't care less about hearing her, I will want to at least see her in the episodes to come.
London Weidberg is another very attractive girl, and Simon had the same thought I did while she sang: She is adequate but she is indistinguishable from any other good-looking blonde singer. She will probably not go very far this season, despite maybe winning some sympathy due to the fact that the producers laid it on thick about how she lost her dad to cancer a few years ago, and I apologize for how this sentence is constructed.
Then there was Lindsey Goodwin, just your run-of-the-mill hottie who flies C-17 planes for the military. (Big deal, right? I have a blog where I talk about American Idol. Take that, Linds, you underachiever!) Sadly, she underachieved for real in her audition: She was okay enough, but the judges felt she lacked confidence and couldn't put her through to the next round. She flies C-17s but doesn't have the confidence to sing in front of three people? This was my first real disappointment of the season: She was gorgeous and likeable and we can tell she can sing, she just didn't Sing, and alas, it's the end for her.
Aretha Codner said she was just as good as Fantasia and went on to prove, in several different keys, why she was actually not that good and not worthy of being named after the Queen of Soul. After that, there was Joshua Boson, who sucked but still had the balls to say, "My talent is far too big for this competition to hold." Umm, yeah, hold this, Joshua. He also told Simon that American Idol is "fake and rigged." Yeah, actually, Joshua, your rejection is proof that it is not. Now get out of here.
Finally, there was Oliver Highman, who was to be the first auditioner in good old S.C. but his wife called and said her water had broken and he needed to take her to the hospital. Apparently his wife giving birth was higher on his priority list than him singing karaoke, so he left. But here he was, back on the second day, and he didn't make it to Hollywood after all. He brought his wife and baby in post-votum and there was a bunch of "Awww, how cute"s and I threw up again. We'll talk more next week. I'll bet you can't wait.
