Thursday, January 24, 2008
A.I.: NEXT STOPS, SAN DIEGO AND CAROLINA
A sexy girl named Tetiana in a smokin' reddish dress came out and gave a smoky rendition of "Someone To Watch Over Me" to get the San Diego auditions underway in fine style. Then there was Perrie Cataldo, whose wife has been suffering from death for a while because she was in "the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people", and after he solicited three yes votes from the judges he brought out his cute little pony-tailed daughter for all to see. Oh, wait, that was a boy. Ix-nay on the onytail-pay, kiddo.
A third consecutive good singer to start the show came in the form of Aussie Michael Johns, who piled on with some Otis Redding. But the talent was interrupted by some very bad singers who tried way too hard to impress and left with zero yes votes between them.
Here's a set-up: The editors began Valerie Reyes' segment by including the part where she said she laughs at the hilariously bad auditions. No points for guessing that the screeching she did while trying to imitate Mariah Carey -- whom she actually said people thought she sounded like -- put her in the category of bad auditions, which she realized in her exit interview. "Now I'm gonna be on the rejects. Oh, this is so not cool." Actually, yes, it is, Valerie. Very much so. Ta-ta for now, and take your ta-tas with you.
Someone brought in a mime to act out the lyrics to his song. There are no words.
Usually when you predict you are Hollywood-Bound For Sure, that is not a good sign. Monique Gibson didn't stop singing when the judges started laughing, which is a sign that the delusions will continue and continue and continue. After her first vetoed attempt, she said, "What about this?" and launched into more singing, and then more. "I'm not getting through to you, am I?" asked Simon, and eventually, the crying began. Christopher Mitchell followed, and he might have set an A.I. record by singing seven songs off key. Dude.
Samantha Musa brought her Simon-loving sister in to sit with the judges, and after they gave Samantha a golden ticket, the sisters and Simon had a group hug. Awwwww. And by "awwwww" I mean, "Give me your hat. I am going to puke in it."
Memo to Blake Boshnack: If you have tried out for American Idol ten times, you're probably not going to make it on your eleventh, especially since the judges remember you for being the Statue of Liberty guy two years back who sang only two words, "Start spreadin'" before Simon gave you "the news" that he was not going to pass. And it didn't get better this time. Duhhhh.
Alberto Hurtado, a long-haired flower-sniffing doll-twirling Press-On-Nail-sporting hippie -- wel, I guess that's all that needs to be said. That was a no. As it was for Aaron Garrett, whose singing "talents" apparently were comprised of the lyrics "Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone." Dude, leave us alone. You're not good. David Archuleta was good, considering he used to suffer from some vocal paralysis. He gave a pretty solid rendition of "Waiting On The World To Change" which was rudely interrupted by Randy doing some backing vocals.
Carly Smithson made it past the auditions two years ago but the Irish girl had some visa problems and was DQ'ed. She tried again, and though Simon said she wasn't as good this time, she made it, and she and her massively-facially-tattooed husband walked off into the sunset with a trip to Hollywood in the offing. That was the end of Tuesday's show.
I went into Wednesday's show predicting that the winner of A.I. would come from these auditions (or at least from the South). So I was thrown for a loop when the first few singers were just bad, bad, bad. This included a guy named Randy Stark who met a girl while writing on-line at an American Idol website (I mean, seriously, who does that???......oh, wait....never mind) and who allowed this girl to start singing with him halfway through his already horrible audition. However, they were all very polite about being rejected, and later the throng of auditioners gathered in the arena would suggest that this is all about "Southern hospitality."
A very large brother-sister combo, Michelle and Jeffrey Lampkin, auditioned together. They seemed to be a bit goofy but they were actually pretty good. Final tally: Jeffrey three yeses, Michelle two, trips to Hollywood two. As they left, Simon told Jeffrey he had "three months to get your sister in shape." I'm assuming they thought he meant vocally, but I think it alluded to Simon's desire to see thinner women while not caring about how fat the men are.
Next up was Amy Catherine Flynn, a very cute dance team captain (score!) who preaches abstinence (drat!). Before she sang she gave one of those "Save it for marriage" speeches ("If you can wait a day, why not wait five years?"...I mean, of course, right? Sheesh!). Amy Catherine (or "Amy, A.C., whatevs," -- I mean, "whatevs"??? I honestly didn't think anyone ever actually said that) gave a pretty good, if not a bit high-school-musicalish, performance, and the judges put her through, although Simon said a lot of people will find her annoying. Despite her being a girl who gives Abstinence-Is-Good speeches and says "whatevs", she was floored by this revelation. But again, she is very cute, and while I couldn't care less about hearing her, I will want to at least see her in the episodes to come.
London Weidberg is another very attractive girl, and Simon had the same thought I did while she sang: She is adequate but she is indistinguishable from any other good-looking blonde singer. She will probably not go very far this season, despite maybe winning some sympathy due to the fact that the producers laid it on thick about how she lost her dad to cancer a few years ago, and I apologize for how this sentence is constructed.
Then there was Lindsey Goodwin, just your run-of-the-mill hottie who flies C-17 planes for the military. (Big deal, right? I have a blog where I talk about American Idol. Take that, Linds, you underachiever!) Sadly, she underachieved for real in her audition: She was okay enough, but the judges felt she lacked confidence and couldn't put her through to the next round. She flies C-17s but doesn't have the confidence to sing in front of three people? This was my first real disappointment of the season: She was gorgeous and likeable and we can tell she can sing, she just didn't Sing, and alas, it's the end for her.
Aretha Codner said she was just as good as Fantasia and went on to prove, in several different keys, why she was actually not that good and not worthy of being named after the Queen of Soul. After that, there was Joshua Boson, who sucked but still had the balls to say, "My talent is far too big for this competition to hold." Umm, yeah, hold this, Joshua. He also told Simon that American Idol is "fake and rigged." Yeah, actually, Joshua, your rejection is proof that it is not. Now get out of here.
Finally, there was Oliver Highman, who was to be the first auditioner in good old S.C. but his wife called and said her water had broken and he needed to take her to the hospital. Apparently his wife giving birth was higher on his priority list than him singing karaoke, so he left. But here he was, back on the second day, and he didn't make it to Hollywood after all. He brought his wife and baby in post-votum and there was a bunch of "Awww, how cute"s and I threw up again. We'll talk more next week. I'll bet you can't wait.
A third consecutive good singer to start the show came in the form of Aussie Michael Johns, who piled on with some Otis Redding. But the talent was interrupted by some very bad singers who tried way too hard to impress and left with zero yes votes between them.
Here's a set-up: The editors began Valerie Reyes' segment by including the part where she said she laughs at the hilariously bad auditions. No points for guessing that the screeching she did while trying to imitate Mariah Carey -- whom she actually said people thought she sounded like -- put her in the category of bad auditions, which she realized in her exit interview. "Now I'm gonna be on the rejects. Oh, this is so not cool." Actually, yes, it is, Valerie. Very much so. Ta-ta for now, and take your ta-tas with you.
Someone brought in a mime to act out the lyrics to his song. There are no words.
Usually when you predict you are Hollywood-Bound For Sure, that is not a good sign. Monique Gibson didn't stop singing when the judges started laughing, which is a sign that the delusions will continue and continue and continue. After her first vetoed attempt, she said, "What about this?" and launched into more singing, and then more. "I'm not getting through to you, am I?" asked Simon, and eventually, the crying began. Christopher Mitchell followed, and he might have set an A.I. record by singing seven songs off key. Dude.
Samantha Musa brought her Simon-loving sister in to sit with the judges, and after they gave Samantha a golden ticket, the sisters and Simon had a group hug. Awwwww. And by "awwwww" I mean, "Give me your hat. I am going to puke in it."
Memo to Blake Boshnack: If you have tried out for American Idol ten times, you're probably not going to make it on your eleventh, especially since the judges remember you for being the Statue of Liberty guy two years back who sang only two words, "Start spreadin'" before Simon gave you "the news" that he was not going to pass. And it didn't get better this time. Duhhhh.
Alberto Hurtado, a long-haired flower-sniffing doll-twirling Press-On-Nail-sporting hippie -- wel, I guess that's all that needs to be said. That was a no. As it was for Aaron Garrett, whose singing "talents" apparently were comprised of the lyrics "Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone." Dude, leave us alone. You're not good. David Archuleta was good, considering he used to suffer from some vocal paralysis. He gave a pretty solid rendition of "Waiting On The World To Change" which was rudely interrupted by Randy doing some backing vocals.
Carly Smithson made it past the auditions two years ago but the Irish girl had some visa problems and was DQ'ed. She tried again, and though Simon said she wasn't as good this time, she made it, and she and her massively-facially-tattooed husband walked off into the sunset with a trip to Hollywood in the offing. That was the end of Tuesday's show.
I went into Wednesday's show predicting that the winner of A.I. would come from these auditions (or at least from the South). So I was thrown for a loop when the first few singers were just bad, bad, bad. This included a guy named Randy Stark who met a girl while writing on-line at an American Idol website (I mean, seriously, who does that???......oh, wait....never mind) and who allowed this girl to start singing with him halfway through his already horrible audition. However, they were all very polite about being rejected, and later the throng of auditioners gathered in the arena would suggest that this is all about "Southern hospitality."
A very large brother-sister combo, Michelle and Jeffrey Lampkin, auditioned together. They seemed to be a bit goofy but they were actually pretty good. Final tally: Jeffrey three yeses, Michelle two, trips to Hollywood two. As they left, Simon told Jeffrey he had "three months to get your sister in shape." I'm assuming they thought he meant vocally, but I think it alluded to Simon's desire to see thinner women while not caring about how fat the men are.
Next up was Amy Catherine Flynn, a very cute dance team captain (score!) who preaches abstinence (drat!). Before she sang she gave one of those "Save it for marriage" speeches ("If you can wait a day, why not wait five years?"...I mean, of course, right? Sheesh!). Amy Catherine (or "Amy, A.C., whatevs," -- I mean, "whatevs"??? I honestly didn't think anyone ever actually said that) gave a pretty good, if not a bit high-school-musicalish, performance, and the judges put her through, although Simon said a lot of people will find her annoying. Despite her being a girl who gives Abstinence-Is-Good speeches and says "whatevs", she was floored by this revelation. But again, she is very cute, and while I couldn't care less about hearing her, I will want to at least see her in the episodes to come.
London Weidberg is another very attractive girl, and Simon had the same thought I did while she sang: She is adequate but she is indistinguishable from any other good-looking blonde singer. She will probably not go very far this season, despite maybe winning some sympathy due to the fact that the producers laid it on thick about how she lost her dad to cancer a few years ago, and I apologize for how this sentence is constructed.
Then there was Lindsey Goodwin, just your run-of-the-mill hottie who flies C-17 planes for the military. (Big deal, right? I have a blog where I talk about American Idol. Take that, Linds, you underachiever!) Sadly, she underachieved for real in her audition: She was okay enough, but the judges felt she lacked confidence and couldn't put her through to the next round. She flies C-17s but doesn't have the confidence to sing in front of three people? This was my first real disappointment of the season: She was gorgeous and likeable and we can tell she can sing, she just didn't Sing, and alas, it's the end for her.
Aretha Codner said she was just as good as Fantasia and went on to prove, in several different keys, why she was actually not that good and not worthy of being named after the Queen of Soul. After that, there was Joshua Boson, who sucked but still had the balls to say, "My talent is far too big for this competition to hold." Umm, yeah, hold this, Joshua. He also told Simon that American Idol is "fake and rigged." Yeah, actually, Joshua, your rejection is proof that it is not. Now get out of here.
Finally, there was Oliver Highman, who was to be the first auditioner in good old S.C. but his wife called and said her water had broken and he needed to take her to the hospital. Apparently his wife giving birth was higher on his priority list than him singing karaoke, so he left. But here he was, back on the second day, and he didn't make it to Hollywood after all. He brought his wife and baby in post-votum and there was a bunch of "Awww, how cute"s and I threw up again. We'll talk more next week. I'll bet you can't wait.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
THE GREATEST TENNIS FINAL MATCHUP EVER
VS. 
ANA IVANOVIC vs. MARIA SHARAPOVA
Okay? I'm just sayin'.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
NORV TURNER...WOW!
Pop quiz, hot shot:
It is the championship game of the American Football Conference. You are coaching the San Diego Chargers. The Chargers trail by nine points with nine minutes and 21 seconds remaining in the fourth quarter. Your team faces fourth-down-and-10 at the Patriots' 36-yard line.
Whaddaya do?
Now, remember, it's you dear reader, doing the coaching in this not-so-hypothetical situation. If you read this blog, you are clearly a sensible, thoughtful, rational, sane human being (that's my story and I am sticking to it). You know what you would do. You're playing the Patriots, a team that hasn't lost all year, that has you by two scores, and that is more than capable of running six or seven minutes off the clock the next time it has the ball; basically, that is the greatest team in the history of the National Football League, and thus, the history of time. You need to score at least one touchdown and get one more score before time runs out in order to have a shot at going to the Super Bowl.
Whaddaya do?
You dear reader, will keep your offense on the field and try to gain at least ten yards on your next play. You have to.
What does Norv Turner do?
He sends in the punting unit, and the ensuing punt travels 23 yards downfield where it is caught by a Patriot, and now the Patriots have the ball, and thus, the Chargers are still nine points behind with just over nine minutes left.
Now, I do not believe in any gods, but I'm going to phrase it this way because there are few ways to better express the urgency and the incredulity, so here goes, and listen up close, Coach Turner:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY, WHAT THE $%#@*&%# ARE YOU DOING???!!!???!!!
You punted??? Why???
I can't even call you coach without putting it in quotation marks anymore, so, "Coach" Norv Turner, you should be fired immediately for that single act alone. Even if you were Vince Lombardi, I would have fired you on the spot. If you were Bill Walsh, your office would have been emptied by the time you got back into the clubhouse. If you were Bill Belichick or Don Shula or Paul Brown, it wouldn't matter, you would no longer have a job in my football organization.
It absolutely boggles the mind. I simply have no more words.
Oh, wait, yes I do:
The Patriots held the ball for the remaining nine minutes of the game. The Chargers never got the ball back again.
It is the championship game of the American Football Conference. You are coaching the San Diego Chargers. The Chargers trail by nine points with nine minutes and 21 seconds remaining in the fourth quarter. Your team faces fourth-down-and-10 at the Patriots' 36-yard line.
Whaddaya do?
Now, remember, it's you dear reader, doing the coaching in this not-so-hypothetical situation. If you read this blog, you are clearly a sensible, thoughtful, rational, sane human being (that's my story and I am sticking to it). You know what you would do. You're playing the Patriots, a team that hasn't lost all year, that has you by two scores, and that is more than capable of running six or seven minutes off the clock the next time it has the ball; basically, that is the greatest team in the history of the National Football League, and thus, the history of time. You need to score at least one touchdown and get one more score before time runs out in order to have a shot at going to the Super Bowl.
Whaddaya do?
You dear reader, will keep your offense on the field and try to gain at least ten yards on your next play. You have to.
What does Norv Turner do?
He sends in the punting unit, and the ensuing punt travels 23 yards downfield where it is caught by a Patriot, and now the Patriots have the ball, and thus, the Chargers are still nine points behind with just over nine minutes left.
Now, I do not believe in any gods, but I'm going to phrase it this way because there are few ways to better express the urgency and the incredulity, so here goes, and listen up close, Coach Turner:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY, WHAT THE $%#@*&%# ARE YOU DOING???!!!???!!!
You punted??? Why???
I can't even call you coach without putting it in quotation marks anymore, so, "Coach" Norv Turner, you should be fired immediately for that single act alone. Even if you were Vince Lombardi, I would have fired you on the spot. If you were Bill Walsh, your office would have been emptied by the time you got back into the clubhouse. If you were Bill Belichick or Don Shula or Paul Brown, it wouldn't matter, you would no longer have a job in my football organization.
It absolutely boggles the mind. I simply have no more words.
Oh, wait, yes I do:
The Patriots held the ball for the remaining nine minutes of the game. The Chargers never got the ball back again.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
NFL PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS, CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS
Almost forgot to do this. Let's get right to it, and make it simple. The Patriots will defeat the Chargers but they will not cover, 35-24. The Packers will defeat the Giants and cover, 27-17. You are now free to go to Vegas.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
AMERICAN IDOL: NEXT STOP, DALLAS
First up was Jessica Brown, a Debbie Gibson lookalike who used to do meth and get into trouble. But she's turned her life around and now, thanks to a nice rendition of The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You", she's off to Hollywood, where she just might encounter drugs again. Not going to Hollywood is roller-coaster enthusiast Paul Stafford, who did not render a splendid version of Elliott Yamin's "Wait For You". The judges acknowledged how nice he was, and he took their rejection in stride, although outside he noted that he was surpised that Simon wasn't too hard on him, saying, "Simon goes down on just about everyone." I don't think that's what Paul meant. Anyway, good luck, Paul, on your future endeavors; is Six Flags still open out there in Texas?
Next up was Beth Maddocks, who used to be a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant, and after hearing her vocals, I must resist the easy opportunity for a "fon-DON'T" joke. And what was with Gregory and Mia Tobias, who auditioned together, and by "together" I mean together. We were told it was some Italian opera, but I just heard two different songs being sung at the same time, and it was a mess and why even bother with that?
Then we were introduced to Bruce Dickson, a 19-year-old who has never kissed a girl, and doesn't yet want to. Now, that may be weird enough, but the creepy part is that he wears a key around his neck, and his dad wears a heart that fits around that key his, and when Bruce finally meets that one special girl, he is going to have his dad present her with that heart so that they can do their One True Love thing to their hearts' content. Ryan Seacrest told his dad, "If he meets the girl out in Hollywood, you're gonna be in big trouble," but after all the fuss and feather, it didn't matter, because Bruce's singing was not the key to a trip out West. When he asked Randy for advice, Randy said simply, "Kiss some girls." And you know, I think that might work.
In walked Pia "Zpia" Easley, a 24-year-old from Chicago with some sort of shaved-head mini-Mohawk thing going on, and as soon as she walked in, I knew she was going to sail through to Hollywood. Unlike last year's perpetually-surprised-and-humble Melinda Doolittle, this background singer was not to be trifled with. She blew out a Gladys Knight number and boom, she's off to the next round. After which we were treated to the Ziploc bag of old torn-off fingernails owned by Brandon Green, and seriously, why even put that on your bio sheet? He did "Rich Girl" okay; I suppose since Simon was the lone "no" vote that Brandon did not "nail" the audition -- ba-dum bum. And there they go, off to Hollywood, Brandon Green and His Bag Of Nails. (What a name for a 1970's psychedelic funk-rock band that would be.)
When you get into a vicious car accident and lose an eye but you're still alive, I suppose you have reason to celebrate, and that appears to be what Kayla Hatfield does all the time. She's a mile-a-minute and really, really enjoys life; I was kind of reminded of Amanda Plummer in the opening scene of "Pulp Fiction" as she gleefully prepares to rob the restaurant. The vivacious accident-survivor gave a raucous-if-not-vocally-stellar version of "Piece Of My Heart" and was literally speechless when Simon said yes to a trip to Hollywood, suggesting that rock stars should all be "a bit mad, in a good way." Kayla had to wait for a yes-vote from Randy to get through to Hollywood, and after he did offer it, she still couldn't speak. It was probably the only time in her life that happened.
Kady Malloy, a gorgeous blonde, came into the room and told the judges she could do vocal impressions of Britney Spears and such, and, curiously, the guy from Rascal Flatts. And true to her words, her breathy take of a Britney song was indeed spot-on (no Rascal Flatts take, though). Then she started her audition for real, but this time she seemed to be channeling Carrie Underwood as she sang "Before He Cheats." Once again, she was spot-on, but I don't think she was trying to do that. Simon stopped her once more and implored her to sing as herself. When she did finally "make it her own", she was as good as ever and had an easy ticket to the California round.
(A quick word about the song "Before He Cheats": If you like this song and think the message is cool, think about the lyrics for a second. The protagonist decides to destroy her boyfriend's truck because she thinks he might be cheating on her. He's not guilty of anything, he's just "probably slow dancing with a bleach blond tramp" or "probably up behind her with a pool-stick". Probably, she sings. So she's just guessing. The title says it all: before he cheats. He hasn't done it yet, apparently! So why the vandalism? The message of this song, frankly, sucks. Now, on with with the countdown....)
Up next came the oddest audition in a long time. Here's Douglas Davidson (think Dwight Shrute under heavy medication). He likes to warm up before he sings. In the audition room, with the judges waiting. He utters some guttural moans while pacing the floor. Then he sings "Livin' On A Prayer," which is suppose is apropos of the moment. And it's not good, at all. Then he wanders around again, warming up again. Then he keeps singing, and singing, and singing, while Simon, Paula and Randy alternate laughing and cringing and saying no. The judges call for security, and Douglas sings some more. Finally he is ushered out by security, and Simon says, "They're gonna take you to a safe place now." On his way out into the Dallas sunlight, he continues warming up. I'd never been so excited for a commercial break in my life.
Angela Reilly, yet another very cute blonde, brought in her doting new husband Chad to determine what song she would sing, and frankly, he should have told her not to, but he loves her and he loves her singing, and we had to hear "Baby Love" and "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", and if it were her best shot, it's just not going to be good. "Love is deaf," Simon said. After that came Kyle Ensley, a wannabe politician with hopes of being the American Idol in the interim. Clad in a yellow dress shirt and red tie, he told us (prodded by the producers, no doubt) what he would do if he were elected American Idol. He even got the producers to make for him a pseudo-campaign ad before showing his audition. Surprisingly, he was pretty good; I mean, it was definitely High-School-Musical quality, without the capitalization. Simon gave an immediate yes, to which Paula exclaimed, "Wow!" But in the end, "something came over me, it's called niceness" and Paula decided to vote him on to Hollywood.
If there is a more charisma-free person on the planet than Tammy Tuzinski, I'd be surprised. The utterly drab Tammy just seemed completely bored by everything and everyone and thus made for an extremely boring audition. Except for when she told the judges she was going to sing "The Power Of Love" by Celine Dion but then inexplicably started warbling "If You Asked Me To" instead. The judges stopped her, asked her, what song are you singing again, and she said, "The Power Of Love." Apparently she is so bored she distracts herself by just existing. "You mean 'If You Asked Me To'," they said. She replied, "Yeah." Okay, then. Long story short, she is not going to Hollywood. Colton Swon is, however, after his rendition of "Boondocks" which didn't impress Simon, but no matter. Colton then did one of those timeworn things Idol contestants do in an attempt to be cute: Upon leaving the auduition room to go back to family and friends, he hid his golden ticket, I guess in an attempt to fool them into thinking he didn't make it, and then suddenly whipped it out ("Ha ha I gotchoo!"). This trend needs to stop.
Following a bizarre clip segment of various transvestites and cross-dressers, farmer boy Drew Poppelreiter came on and did his best Randy-Travis-or-whoever-it-was impression and Simon said no, because "It's not my thing" (translation: "Country music sucks"). But he made it to Hollywood. Not so for Kyle Reinneck, who needs to learn that you don't bring pictures of kids on a posterboard into the room to show the judges. Has anyone ever passed the audition after doing this? Also, the eyeliner was a bit odd. As was the reprise of his audition while the judges were telling him no. When they say no, just stop. Then Nina Shaw, a striking black girl with legs all the way to the floor, came in and squeaked by with an audition that Simon called "old-fashioned" but that Randy described as "retro", in a good way.
Words can not do justice to the silly audition that ended the show. It's Reno, Nevada's own Renaldo Lapuz, and though he's not going to Hollywood (he's 44, fer cryin' out loud), he sure livened up this party. Here's the link to the YouTube clip of Renaldo's audition. Enjoy.
Next up was Beth Maddocks, who used to be a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant, and after hearing her vocals, I must resist the easy opportunity for a "fon-DON'T" joke. And what was with Gregory and Mia Tobias, who auditioned together, and by "together" I mean together. We were told it was some Italian opera, but I just heard two different songs being sung at the same time, and it was a mess and why even bother with that?
Then we were introduced to Bruce Dickson, a 19-year-old who has never kissed a girl, and doesn't yet want to. Now, that may be weird enough, but the creepy part is that he wears a key around his neck, and his dad wears a heart that fits around that key his, and when Bruce finally meets that one special girl, he is going to have his dad present her with that heart so that they can do their One True Love thing to their hearts' content. Ryan Seacrest told his dad, "If he meets the girl out in Hollywood, you're gonna be in big trouble," but after all the fuss and feather, it didn't matter, because Bruce's singing was not the key to a trip out West. When he asked Randy for advice, Randy said simply, "Kiss some girls." And you know, I think that might work.
In walked Pia "Zpia" Easley, a 24-year-old from Chicago with some sort of shaved-head mini-Mohawk thing going on, and as soon as she walked in, I knew she was going to sail through to Hollywood. Unlike last year's perpetually-surprised-and-humble Melinda Doolittle, this background singer was not to be trifled with. She blew out a Gladys Knight number and boom, she's off to the next round. After which we were treated to the Ziploc bag of old torn-off fingernails owned by Brandon Green, and seriously, why even put that on your bio sheet? He did "Rich Girl" okay; I suppose since Simon was the lone "no" vote that Brandon did not "nail" the audition -- ba-dum bum. And there they go, off to Hollywood, Brandon Green and His Bag Of Nails. (What a name for a 1970's psychedelic funk-rock band that would be.)
When you get into a vicious car accident and lose an eye but you're still alive, I suppose you have reason to celebrate, and that appears to be what Kayla Hatfield does all the time. She's a mile-a-minute and really, really enjoys life; I was kind of reminded of Amanda Plummer in the opening scene of "Pulp Fiction" as she gleefully prepares to rob the restaurant. The vivacious accident-survivor gave a raucous-if-not-vocally-stellar version of "Piece Of My Heart" and was literally speechless when Simon said yes to a trip to Hollywood, suggesting that rock stars should all be "a bit mad, in a good way." Kayla had to wait for a yes-vote from Randy to get through to Hollywood, and after he did offer it, she still couldn't speak. It was probably the only time in her life that happened.
Kady Malloy, a gorgeous blonde, came into the room and told the judges she could do vocal impressions of Britney Spears and such, and, curiously, the guy from Rascal Flatts. And true to her words, her breathy take of a Britney song was indeed spot-on (no Rascal Flatts take, though). Then she started her audition for real, but this time she seemed to be channeling Carrie Underwood as she sang "Before He Cheats." Once again, she was spot-on, but I don't think she was trying to do that. Simon stopped her once more and implored her to sing as herself. When she did finally "make it her own", she was as good as ever and had an easy ticket to the California round.
(A quick word about the song "Before He Cheats": If you like this song and think the message is cool, think about the lyrics for a second. The protagonist decides to destroy her boyfriend's truck because she thinks he might be cheating on her. He's not guilty of anything, he's just "probably slow dancing with a bleach blond tramp" or "probably up behind her with a pool-stick". Probably, she sings. So she's just guessing. The title says it all: before he cheats. He hasn't done it yet, apparently! So why the vandalism? The message of this song, frankly, sucks. Now, on with with the countdown....)
Up next came the oddest audition in a long time. Here's Douglas Davidson (think Dwight Shrute under heavy medication). He likes to warm up before he sings. In the audition room, with the judges waiting. He utters some guttural moans while pacing the floor. Then he sings "Livin' On A Prayer," which is suppose is apropos of the moment. And it's not good, at all. Then he wanders around again, warming up again. Then he keeps singing, and singing, and singing, while Simon, Paula and Randy alternate laughing and cringing and saying no. The judges call for security, and Douglas sings some more. Finally he is ushered out by security, and Simon says, "They're gonna take you to a safe place now." On his way out into the Dallas sunlight, he continues warming up. I'd never been so excited for a commercial break in my life.
Angela Reilly, yet another very cute blonde, brought in her doting new husband Chad to determine what song she would sing, and frankly, he should have told her not to, but he loves her and he loves her singing, and we had to hear "Baby Love" and "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", and if it were her best shot, it's just not going to be good. "Love is deaf," Simon said. After that came Kyle Ensley, a wannabe politician with hopes of being the American Idol in the interim. Clad in a yellow dress shirt and red tie, he told us (prodded by the producers, no doubt) what he would do if he were elected American Idol. He even got the producers to make for him a pseudo-campaign ad before showing his audition. Surprisingly, he was pretty good; I mean, it was definitely High-School-Musical quality, without the capitalization. Simon gave an immediate yes, to which Paula exclaimed, "Wow!" But in the end, "something came over me, it's called niceness" and Paula decided to vote him on to Hollywood.
If there is a more charisma-free person on the planet than Tammy Tuzinski, I'd be surprised. The utterly drab Tammy just seemed completely bored by everything and everyone and thus made for an extremely boring audition. Except for when she told the judges she was going to sing "The Power Of Love" by Celine Dion but then inexplicably started warbling "If You Asked Me To" instead. The judges stopped her, asked her, what song are you singing again, and she said, "The Power Of Love." Apparently she is so bored she distracts herself by just existing. "You mean 'If You Asked Me To'," they said. She replied, "Yeah." Okay, then. Long story short, she is not going to Hollywood. Colton Swon is, however, after his rendition of "Boondocks" which didn't impress Simon, but no matter. Colton then did one of those timeworn things Idol contestants do in an attempt to be cute: Upon leaving the auduition room to go back to family and friends, he hid his golden ticket, I guess in an attempt to fool them into thinking he didn't make it, and then suddenly whipped it out ("Ha ha I gotchoo!"). This trend needs to stop.
Following a bizarre clip segment of various transvestites and cross-dressers, farmer boy Drew Poppelreiter came on and did his best Randy-Travis-or-whoever-it-was impression and Simon said no, because "It's not my thing" (translation: "Country music sucks"). But he made it to Hollywood. Not so for Kyle Reinneck, who needs to learn that you don't bring pictures of kids on a posterboard into the room to show the judges. Has anyone ever passed the audition after doing this? Also, the eyeliner was a bit odd. As was the reprise of his audition while the judges were telling him no. When they say no, just stop. Then Nina Shaw, a striking black girl with legs all the way to the floor, came in and squeaked by with an audition that Simon called "old-fashioned" but that Randy described as "retro", in a good way.
Words can not do justice to the silly audition that ended the show. It's Reno, Nevada's own Renaldo Lapuz, and though he's not going to Hollywood (he's 44, fer cryin' out loud), he sure livened up this party. Here's the link to the YouTube clip of Renaldo's audition. Enjoy.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
AMERICAN IDOL: FIRST STOP, PHILADELPHIA
Off we go! Season 7 started with auditioner Joey Catalano, who, we're told, lost 204 pounds, pretty much changing from Ruben Studdard to Jordan Catalano (My So-Called Life reference). Two hundred and four pounds? That's an entire me! Anyway, he got the season off to a good start with a smooth rendition of Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" and...well, we're off and running. American Idol, Season 7. Yeah, I'm hooked already, okay?The first real guffaws of the season came when gold-suit-bedecked James Lewis sang "Go Down Moses" as if he were a walrus -- unintentionally -- and Randy and Paula couldn't contain their laughter. But then we saw the judges give Three Thumbs Up! to auditioners Junot Joyner, Jose Candelaria (who sang in Spanish), and Jonathan Baines, a Zac Efron look-alike, and please don't tell me I even know who Zac Efron is.
Our first real sad moment of the season came when 16-year-old Temptress Browne, a hulking middle-linebacker of a girl (no, really, she actually plays football), gave it her all but was not sent through to Hollywood. The judges gave her a group hug as her tears flowed like Angel Falls, and then they all went outside to apologize to her family and friends as Temptress got more hugs. Awwwww.
There was New Jersey's Mark Hayes, who told us all about how he does an impression of crickets chirping whenever he sees a show and the act doesn't go over well and how everyone laughs, 'cause you can really hear it in the theater. And he made the chirping noise for us...and no points for guessing what sound effect the producers inserted after his painfully boring attempt at "White Christmas" was over and the judges sat silently...chirp, chirp...Ahhhh, the irony. The producers then gave us our first manufactured "group song"; a compendium of auditioners performing the same song, apparently at the behest of whoever is running the show at the audition spot. This time, I guess they told the singers, "Look, do some 'I Love Rock 'N Roll' poorly, since we know you didn't prepare to do it, so that we can make a brief clip-show of you all sounding horrible." Why do they need to do this to the audience? Producers, you're working too hard. Gold comes from the auditions by themselves; no need to force anything.
After all this was an incredible waste of an entire segment. A full seven minutes were spent on one Alexis Cohen, a Grace-Slick wannabe who sleeps on a couch right next to her mom's bed. Watching her go through the typical Idol-loser rant after being told "no" was dreadful. Again, producers, you're trying too hard. We've seen this person numerous times before; she gets turned down, and immediately goes into a psychotic-sounding tantrum telling us how idiotic Simon is, and how she's gonna go back to "actressing", and then her middle fingers fly, and blah blah blah. Yes, these "singers" can be entertaining in small doses but seven minutes was way too much.
Then we met Angela Martin, a very attractive 26-year-old from Chicago whose daughter has Rett Syndrome, which, I learned after I looked it up, is caused by sporadic mutations in the MECP2 gene located on the X chromosome, which almost exclusively affects female children (since most male fetuses are killed by it before they leave the womb), and is WHOAAA there, self, this isn't WebMD, it's E.K. Nation's American Idol recap. Ahem. Anyway, Angela is good at singing, and when she gets rid of the Whitney Houston affectations, she has a chance to really be a star on this show.
Somehow, a 39-year-old "songwriter" from New Jersey named Milo Turk was allowed to perform before the judges a tune he wrote called "No Sex Allowed," which I guess means he's a virgin and he wants kids to not have sex and he will do whatever he can to have a chance to sing before Simon, Paula and Randy so that he might get on TV with his message. Yeah. Congrats, Milo, on a waste of a Philadelphia day; you could have spent it checking out the Liberty Bell or the Rocky statue, but no, you had to sing us this Not-Ready-For-The-Rocky-Roads jingle (Saturday Night Live reference) that no child of any age needs to hear, if only because of the musical quality. "No Sex Allowed", Milo? Really? 'Cause I can almost hear the condom wrappers ripping as I write this. But I guess if Milo is the foul-tasting shot of tequila (this analogy will only work if you hate tequila, the way I do), Kristy Lee Cook is the refreshing lime wedge that follows it.
Apparently Kristy lives in Selma, Oregon. Now, I live in Oregon and even at this moment I do not know where Selma is. All I know is that she lives in my home state and somehow I have not been treated to this goodness before. She trains horses, and trains herself to do cage-fighting, and all I can say is I wouldn't mind being trapped in a cage with her. This blonde 23-year-old from a town called Selma -- she lives in a log cabin, bless her heart -- sang "Amazing Grace" and was indeed amazing, and I have my first favorite of the season. And if Kristy is the lime wedge, Ben Haar is another disgusting shot of tequila, complete with Princess Leia's Jabba's-dancer outfit on. I only wish I were making that last part up.
Paula was too distracted by Mr. Haar's chest hair -- I was distracted by the fact that "Haar" means "hair" in German -- and he was sent away to find someone to wax him. I wish I were making this part up as well. While we not-so-anxiously awaited a return, we got to see someone named Paul Marturano. This Idol-ineligible 32-year-old who obviously pulled some strings to even get to audition for the judges gave us a song about stalking Paula, with lines like, "If she were a doggie, I would walk her; if she were a blackboard, I would chalk her; if I were Columbo, I would Peter Falk her," after which it became clear he was just a wannabe musical stand-up comedian who might one day be seen opening for Daniel Tosh, if Daniel Tosh one day starts to really suck bad at comedy. And speaking of (S)talking, next up was a pretty blonde young woman improbably named Beth Stalker, who once recorded an album of children's songs under the name of Little Liz when she was four, has recorded a Christian-music CD in her adulthood, was pleasant enough in her audition, and was put through to the next round even though Simon said she probably wouldn't stand out in Hollywood and is probably right about that. I wish you nothing but the best, Little Liz.
Next, Jabba the Haar returned, freshly-smoothened chest a-glowing. (Achtung!) We had been treated to brief shots of someone waxing his chest during a prior outro to a commercial break -- I kept waiting for him to yelp out, "AaaaaaaAAAHHHHHHH Kelly Clarkson!!!-- and we saw the results as he dropped his cape. I don't think anyone not named "Haar" thought it was remotely entertaining. He launched into the song "Dontcha", of which he was only able to get out two syllables ("don't cha") before Simon said, "I'm not interested. Out you go," and who the hell could blame him. With his butt-crack showing, the rest of us cringed as a much better contestant appeared, one by the name of Chris Watson, whom I Guess? looks like a model. He was a nice kid, humbled by the judges' positive opinion of him, and off he went, golden ticket in hand.
The Star Wars theme continued into the final segment as we met Christina Tolisano, a 24-year-old from Connecticut with the Princess Leia Cinnabuns strapped to her ears and a Star Wars belt buckle around her waist. Now, obviously, she wasn't going to go through. But I must say, upon listening (but not watching) her sing a second time courtesy of the rewind feature on my remote, I'd have to say she wasn't that horrible. Probably not good enough to get through to Hollywood, but let that be a lesson to all Season 8 prospects who are reading this -- could there really be any? -- do not go for the gimmicks. Let your voice do the shining. Which is what Brooke White did to end the show.
Brooke is a delightful-looking 24-year-old from California who doesn't drink, and doesn't smoke, and -- get this, before any specific Adam Ant song pops into your head -- has never seen an R-rated movie . I don't know how all of that is possible, but I guess it has given her time to work on the Corinne Bailey Rae song she did for the judges, and she was just fine. Off she goes to Hollywood, and that's the end of our first show of the season. I'm going to get some sleep now, 'cause I'm going to be doing this again tomorrow night.
Monday, January 14, 2008
AHHHH, AMERICAN IDOL MEMORIES
It all starts with Simon Cowell.Save for the night Kelly Clarkson was crowned, I missed the entire first season of American Idol: The Search For A Superstar (its original title, at least Stateside). It seemed like a big deal to everyone else watching, so when Season 2 rolled around, I started watching from the beginning. And that's when I came upon the brilliance of Simon. No holds barred, he tells it like it is, and he's usually dead on the money. That's what made the show fun for me. I loved watching him rip on contestant after contestant, and the reactions on a lot of their faces were priceless. Man, is it entertaining to watch these tone-deaf shriekers try to tell him he knows nothing.
But then a strange thing happened. Every once in a while they'd show an audition of a singer who was really good. And I would think, hmmm, I wonder how this person's gonna do. And that's when I came upon the brilliance of the producers of American Idol. They got me by showing the bad auditions, and they kept me by showing the good singers. I just had to find out how the good ones would do, and I would invariably pick my favorites and blah blah blah and before I knew it I had logged fifty hours of watching karaoke on television.
That's what Idol is: a national karaoke contest. Karaoke mostly sucks when it's in your local bar, right? I mean, come on, who really wants to hear five drunk girls doing "Summer Nights"? Who really desires some screechy chain-smoking girl to belt out an anvil-melting (the anvil found in the ear, not the workshop) version of "Black Velvet" while you're trying to have a conversation with your friends? It's horrible. It really is. And I admit, I've done some karaoke too, and I never felt anything the next morning other than "I feel so dirty." So why is it so interesting on television? I honestly don't know. Most of the songs they perform on the show are lame; a lot of them are the type of prima donnas that I don't really want to see. I don't know what it is. But it's going to start tonight. And I'm gonna get sucked in.
If you can stand another Top 5 Things list, here's mine, all about good things that have happened on American Idol:
5. Jason "Sundance" Head's audition last year. His powerful rendition of Bobby Blue Bland's "Stormy Monday" is the greatest performance American Idol has ever shown during the audution shows.4. The unconventional success of Elliott Yamin, who didn't look like your typical Idol but used pure vocal talent to rise all the way to third place in Season 5.
3. Chris Daughtry not winning Season 5. Would have ruined his career. Instead, he's doing music he wants to do instead of those insipid Idol-winner-single-type songs. (Same for Bo Bice the previous year.)
2. Jordin Sparks doing "I Who Have Nothing" last season. That was a damn good performance.
1. Pretty much anything Katharine McPhee (<--over there, yeah, the hottie in the photo) ever did, whether it was singing, dancing, just being interviewed, or standing in the background dancing to someone else's performance. Kat's and my wedding didn't go off as planned, basically because she didn't know it was even on, and that's because she hadn't met me when I planned it and she still hasn't, and she's marrying someone else now, but who cares?
So who's the next Brenna Gethers? The one who is so unaware of her mind-numbing blandness that she gets eliminated in about 23rd place but still insists, live on the broadcast, that Clive Davis call her up so they can "make some money" together? Who's the next kid who can't sing but inexplicably gets voted into the top 12 and beyond, like Jon Peter Lewis, Kevin Covais (<--over there), or the infamous Sanjaya and his hair(up top)? And who's the next Brittenum twin? You know, the silly-ass boy-divas who overdramatized everything during that Hollywood round, declaring "I don't...do...groups!!!", or then quitting the Hollywood round 'cause his brother was cut, then proclaiming to everyone, "My spirit has been broken," then begging to be let back in once he realized his brother had in fact not been cut? (Turns out...they've let the Brittenum twins advance past the first auditions again...they're baaaack!
Who's the next American Idol?
Friday, January 11, 2008
NFL PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS: ROUND 2
Damn those oddsmakers.
They have managed to create four splendidly difficult lines to decipher.
• Some folks are thinking that Jacksonville will go into Foxboro and take down the unbeaten Patriots. I was thinking that too, for a while. Then I managed to get some blood back to my brain. Yes, David Garrard has done a solid job of leading the Jags to where they are. Yes, Jacksonville is one of the five best teams in the NFL. But the 2007 Patriots are the best NFL team ever. They're going to find a way to not only win but to cover this one. Brady, Moss, et al., they're all going to be playing, and playing hard. There's just no way, is there? New England is favored at home by 13.5 points. New England will WIN and COVER, 42-19.
• The Chargers sucked against Tennessee for a full half before getting their minds right. That doesn't bode well for a team now heading to Indianapolis to take on the well-rested Colts. I'm not even sure the prospect of a return to the field by Marvin Harrison is even going to make a difference. Yes, I know San Diego beat Indy earlier this year, but the Colts were beset by injuries and Peyton Manning just simply had a rare bad night. It's not going to happen again. Indianapolis is favored at home by nine. Indianapolis will WIN and COVER, 38-7.
NFC Wild-Card Round:
• The point spreads on the NFC games have me thinking the home teams are bound for more success this weekend than should reasonably be expected. Seattle is not a slouch. Yes, the game is at Lambeau, and yes, I'm sure Matt Hasselbeck is going to be mindful of his ill-fated overtime coin-flip claim a few years back. But Seattle is tough. They might be undervalued because their division title came in a weak NFC West. They should give it a game, and possibly even make it an overtime one again. An overtime game means 1) the Packers can not cover, and 2) anything can happen. A Josh Brown overtime field goal is not out of the question, but I'll stick with the Pack. Green Bay is favored by 7.5 at home. Green Bay will WIN but NOT COVER, 23-20 in overtime.
• The question involved in the Dallas-N.Y. Giants game is, which Giants team will show up? The one that gave the Patriots a game in Week 17, or the one that got crushed by a streaking Redskins team a couple weeks before? Eli Manning has won many games on the road this year, but he lost in Dallas early on. The Cowboys took both regular-season games against the Giants, and historically it has been tough for a team to win three times against the same team in one year. Now I see we're depending too much on the past to figure out what's going to happen. RIght now both these teams are playing well, and don't worry about this fake scandal about Tony Romo being on the beach for a week instead of focusing on the game. He'll be focused. Everyone involved in this game will be. It's going to be a good one. Dallas is favored by 7.5 at home. Dallas will WIN but NOT COVER, 26-23.
They have managed to create four splendidly difficult lines to decipher.
AFC Divisional Playoffs:
• Some folks are thinking that Jacksonville will go into Foxboro and take down the unbeaten Patriots. I was thinking that too, for a while. Then I managed to get some blood back to my brain. Yes, David Garrard has done a solid job of leading the Jags to where they are. Yes, Jacksonville is one of the five best teams in the NFL. But the 2007 Patriots are the best NFL team ever. They're going to find a way to not only win but to cover this one. Brady, Moss, et al., they're all going to be playing, and playing hard. There's just no way, is there? New England is favored at home by 13.5 points. New England will WIN and COVER, 42-19.
• The Chargers sucked against Tennessee for a full half before getting their minds right. That doesn't bode well for a team now heading to Indianapolis to take on the well-rested Colts. I'm not even sure the prospect of a return to the field by Marvin Harrison is even going to make a difference. Yes, I know San Diego beat Indy earlier this year, but the Colts were beset by injuries and Peyton Manning just simply had a rare bad night. It's not going to happen again. Indianapolis is favored at home by nine. Indianapolis will WIN and COVER, 38-7.
NFC Wild-Card Round:
• The point spreads on the NFC games have me thinking the home teams are bound for more success this weekend than should reasonably be expected. Seattle is not a slouch. Yes, the game is at Lambeau, and yes, I'm sure Matt Hasselbeck is going to be mindful of his ill-fated overtime coin-flip claim a few years back. But Seattle is tough. They might be undervalued because their division title came in a weak NFC West. They should give it a game, and possibly even make it an overtime one again. An overtime game means 1) the Packers can not cover, and 2) anything can happen. A Josh Brown overtime field goal is not out of the question, but I'll stick with the Pack. Green Bay is favored by 7.5 at home. Green Bay will WIN but NOT COVER, 23-20 in overtime.
• The question involved in the Dallas-N.Y. Giants game is, which Giants team will show up? The one that gave the Patriots a game in Week 17, or the one that got crushed by a streaking Redskins team a couple weeks before? Eli Manning has won many games on the road this year, but he lost in Dallas early on. The Cowboys took both regular-season games against the Giants, and historically it has been tough for a team to win three times against the same team in one year. Now I see we're depending too much on the past to figure out what's going to happen. RIght now both these teams are playing well, and don't worry about this fake scandal about Tony Romo being on the beach for a week instead of focusing on the game. He'll be focused. Everyone involved in this game will be. It's going to be a good one. Dallas is favored by 7.5 at home. Dallas will WIN but NOT COVER, 26-23.
Friday, January 4, 2008
THE ANNUAL NFL PLAYOFF PREDICTION CATASTROPHE
I'm going to spare you the horror of my pre-season picks for the NFL playoffs. Let's just say that I did have the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl...against Philly. And Philly wasn't even close to my biggest miss(es). My projected wild-card teams won exactly 19 of their 64 combined games. Yikes. I should do a lot better with the playoffs. I did go 103-71-5 against the spread for the year, so that's something to hang my hat on. Let's see how silly I can get:
• Yes, everyone does love the Jaguars. Me included. They have a spectacular running back tandem in MoJoDrew and the just-now-heralded Fred Taylor. And a few weeks ago they came into Pittsburgh and dominated the Steelers for a while (it did wind up being a 7-point win for Jax). They're going to do it again. David Garrard is not a QB star, but he's dependable enough to keep the offense moving. He doesn't throw interceptions. Meanwhile, the Steelers seem to have lost whatever edge they might have had earlier in the season, and having Willie Parker out for the year isn't helping things at all. Jacksonville is favored on the road by two points. Jacksonville will WIN and COVER, 37-19.
• The Chargers have looked pretty good this year and the Titans never did seem to have a playoff aura about them. San Diego's defense should contain Vince Young when he tries to throw, which he will be doing a lot of once the Chargers get a big first-half lead. And don't think for one second that LaDainian Tomlinson won't get at least two touchdowns. He'll be determined to help S.D. ditch the pain of last year's playoff meltdown. San Diego is favored by nine at home. San Diego will WIN and COVER, 45-10.
NFC Wild-Card Round:
• The spread on the Seahawks-Redskins game is a bit small. Seattle, when it's ready to play, is much better than the streaking Skins. It's hard to go against Matt Hasselbeck at home against a Skins quarterback thrust into action late in the season, no matter how well he has led his team. The Seahawks will be well-rested against a team that had to win on Sunday to even get here. I expect a defensive struggle but the Hawks will grind it out. Seattle is favored by three-and-a-half at home. Seattle will WIN and COVER, 21-10.
• The Buccaneers are under-appreciated. They have a very strong defense, a solid running corps, and a savvy playoff-veteran quarterback (Jeff Garcia) who, like David Garrard in J-Ville, throws few interceptions. Meanwhile, there's Eli Manning in New York, who has yet to show anything resembling real clutch quarterbacking and who will find trouble avoiding interceptions. The Giants' Super Bowl was last week, when they played their hearts out and barely lost to the Patriots. I don't think they'll have much left in the tank. Tampa Bay is favored by three at home. Tampa Bay will WIN and COVER, 27-17.If it goes that way this week, the playoffs will continue as follows: In the AFC, Jacksonville will head to New England and the Chargers will go to Indianapolis, and in the NFC, Dallas would host Tampa Bay and Seattle would go back to Green Bay for another playoff game. The AFC's wild-card round winners have a better chance of winning than the NFC's do. Jacksonville could surprise New England if it snows and the teams are forced to run, but I'm sticking with the Patriots. And the Chargers could exploit Indy's weak run defense, but they'll have to put up a lot of points to take down Peyton and crew. Dallas and Green Bay should dispatch their foes in the divisional round.
In the championship round, I see the Patriots beating Indianapolis without worrying about a hint of revenge for last year's AFC title game, and I'm going to go with Brett Favre and Green Bay over Tony Romo and Dallas. As for the Super Bowl, New England will finish up the year at 19-0 with a decisive 42-13 win versus the Packers.
Now, go to Vegas and do something different with these games and win some money.
AFC Wild-Card Round:
• Yes, everyone does love the Jaguars. Me included. They have a spectacular running back tandem in MoJoDrew and the just-now-heralded Fred Taylor. And a few weeks ago they came into Pittsburgh and dominated the Steelers for a while (it did wind up being a 7-point win for Jax). They're going to do it again. David Garrard is not a QB star, but he's dependable enough to keep the offense moving. He doesn't throw interceptions. Meanwhile, the Steelers seem to have lost whatever edge they might have had earlier in the season, and having Willie Parker out for the year isn't helping things at all. Jacksonville is favored on the road by two points. Jacksonville will WIN and COVER, 37-19.
• The Chargers have looked pretty good this year and the Titans never did seem to have a playoff aura about them. San Diego's defense should contain Vince Young when he tries to throw, which he will be doing a lot of once the Chargers get a big first-half lead. And don't think for one second that LaDainian Tomlinson won't get at least two touchdowns. He'll be determined to help S.D. ditch the pain of last year's playoff meltdown. San Diego is favored by nine at home. San Diego will WIN and COVER, 45-10.
NFC Wild-Card Round:
• The spread on the Seahawks-Redskins game is a bit small. Seattle, when it's ready to play, is much better than the streaking Skins. It's hard to go against Matt Hasselbeck at home against a Skins quarterback thrust into action late in the season, no matter how well he has led his team. The Seahawks will be well-rested against a team that had to win on Sunday to even get here. I expect a defensive struggle but the Hawks will grind it out. Seattle is favored by three-and-a-half at home. Seattle will WIN and COVER, 21-10.
• The Buccaneers are under-appreciated. They have a very strong defense, a solid running corps, and a savvy playoff-veteran quarterback (Jeff Garcia) who, like David Garrard in J-Ville, throws few interceptions. Meanwhile, there's Eli Manning in New York, who has yet to show anything resembling real clutch quarterbacking and who will find trouble avoiding interceptions. The Giants' Super Bowl was last week, when they played their hearts out and barely lost to the Patriots. I don't think they'll have much left in the tank. Tampa Bay is favored by three at home. Tampa Bay will WIN and COVER, 27-17.If it goes that way this week, the playoffs will continue as follows: In the AFC, Jacksonville will head to New England and the Chargers will go to Indianapolis, and in the NFC, Dallas would host Tampa Bay and Seattle would go back to Green Bay for another playoff game. The AFC's wild-card round winners have a better chance of winning than the NFC's do. Jacksonville could surprise New England if it snows and the teams are forced to run, but I'm sticking with the Patriots. And the Chargers could exploit Indy's weak run defense, but they'll have to put up a lot of points to take down Peyton and crew. Dallas and Green Bay should dispatch their foes in the divisional round.
In the championship round, I see the Patriots beating Indianapolis without worrying about a hint of revenge for last year's AFC title game, and I'm going to go with Brett Favre and Green Bay over Tony Romo and Dallas. As for the Super Bowl, New England will finish up the year at 19-0 with a decisive 42-13 win versus the Packers.
Now, go to Vegas and do something different with these games and win some money.
