E.K. NATION

I'm talking about fantasy football. I've hated fantasy football for a few years.

But I'm going to play fantasy football this year.

We have to establish some rules:

1. Just have a good draft. Be smart. Don't take all 49ers. That doesn't work. I originally thought I could be the one guy in the league who would totally mock fantasy football and just take all 49ers, all the time. And of course that isn't going to work, on several levels. So I've actually been reading one of those fantasy football magazines. And I am actually going to try to be good at this. I can't believe it myself.

Exception: Take Brady Quinn, as a mockery. But then sit calmly as he racks up big numbers, as if I knew that was going to happen.

2. Never, ever root for anyone whose success might disrupt that of my actual favorite team. One of my friends, Andy the bartender, once screamed out "Go Edgerrin!" right before Arizona's game against the Bears. His favorite team is the Bears. He had Edgerrin on his fantasy team. This is unacceptable.

Corollary: Don't say the phrase, "Well, I didn't want them to score, but if they had to score, I'm glad it was (someone on my fantasy team)."

3. Never, ever be the guy who walks up to a stranger at a bar who is watching an NFL game and ask something along the lines of, "How's Ocho Cinco doing?" Because I know what that guy is doing: asking me to keep track of stats for him. Do I look like I'm writing stuff down, punk?

4. Never, ever answer a question like that from a stranger (I suppose doing it for a friend is okay). Just say, "No idea." Better yet, say, "I don't keep track of stats for fantasy junkies who randomly approach me asking me to provide them with stats. Not my job, punk."

5. Better yet: Never root for anyone on my fantasy team (unless they are 49ers), but rather just wait until the end of the week to find out if I won any money or not.

Good luck with all this, me.

Speaking of something that is in no way related: A few nights ago I fell asleep with NBC's broadcast on the TV. At some point around 2 a.m. or whenever, I had the distinct pleasure of waking up while the performance in this clip was playing. I swear, I have never been happier to wake up in the middle of the night in my entire life. Her name is Marie (pronounced mar-ee-EH) Digby, and she's been putting clips of herself playing the guitar and singing covers and originals on YouTube for a couple months, and she's getting national recognition now, and my god how I do love her. I have decided that my relationship with Katharine McPhee is not working out.

I believe she's going to hit it big, folks. You will all be witnesses. (At my wedding. To Marie Digby. That reminds me: I guess I have to decide to want to get married now.)