E.K. NATION

We know very little about Major League Soccer. We know which teams are generally good and which ones aren't. And we know who the greatest player in league history is, and we celebrate him profusely; he shares our last name (and that's him on the left). That's about all we know. But knowing nothing about something has never stopped us from talking about it. Before we get into our baseball predictions, which will come up in the next couple of days, we most certainly have a prediction as to what the result of the MLS Cup will be. And we shall present it thusly, in living black letters a few millimeters tall:

Clearly, Colorado will defeat D.C. United in the MLS final! Also, expect Los Angeles and New England to lose in their respective conference finals.

There's candy all over the floor again.

Our pick to win it all, UConn, is still alive. Duke is our other Final Four team still breathing. Tonight, look for Memphis, UCLA, Texas and LSU (of course) to win. And tomorrow, Washington, Wichita State, Villanova and Georgetown will find the results to be outstanding.

Or not. We suck at this.

The score box on the CBS screen during Sunday's game between #5 Pittsburgh and #13 Bradley will say "BRAD PITT".

Just so you know.

Now on to our picks for the NCAA tournament, which is already one round old. We wrote down all our picks for a posting here but the computer locked up before we could actually post them, and when we rebooted we simply forgot to put them back up. Wondering if we are going to say "we would have gotten all 32 games right, we swear!"? You'll know we're not lying about our picks when you see these absolute nuggets:

ATLANTA: We had Duke, George Washington, Texas A&M, LSU, Iowa, Southern Illinois, N.C. State and Texas, with Duke beating LSU and N.C. State beating Iowa in the regional semis. Duke over N.C. State in the final. That's one Final Four team that can still make it. We are sad to say we correctly got our pick of the Wolf Pack beating our favorite team, the Cal Bears, in the first draw. Booooo.

OAKLAND: Memphis, Arkansas, Pittsburgh, Kansas, San Diego State, Gonzaga, Marquette and UCLA winning, with Kansas beating Memphis and UCLA beating Gonzaga. Kansas, in a perfect world, would have beaten UCLA, and eventually gone to the title game. We were the first people to pick Kansas to go the Final Four that we had heard about. After we submitted this bracket to various pools, we noticed that everyone had Kansas. Thanks, guys, we are sure you jinxed it for us.

WASHINGTON: Connecticut, UAB, Washington, Illinois, Michigan State, North Carolina, Seton Hall and Tennessee were our winners here, followed by Connecticut beating Washington and Michigan State beating Seton Hall. The nice work continues, E.K. Nation. The Huskies of Connecticut can still beat the Huskies of Washington but Seton Hall will not be beating the Spartans. Connecticut will have to find someone other than Michigan State to beat to advance to the Final Four.

MINNEAPOLIS: Villanova, Wisconsin, Nevada, Boston College, Oklahoma, Florida, Northern Iowa and Ohio State would have been the winners in a perfect world. Villanova can still beat Boston College but Ohio State will need to find someone other than the Sooners to knock off in the regional semis. Ohio State can still beat Villanova to move on the Indianapolis.

As is tradition, we lost a Final Four team in the first round -- and actually a title game team this year -- when the Jayhawks fell to Bradley last night. Duke, UConn and Ohio State can still make it. But once our bracket pinata has been busted up like this and candy is all over the floor, we stop caring, really, because we're not going to be winning any pools. We just want to sit back and continue to watch what is year-in and year-out the best sporting event on the planet.

You will not be ruining my appreciation for the talents of Barry Bonds, and you will not ruin my baseball season. Try as you might, it just isn't going to happen. Got it?

All you talentless hacks who make your living writing about what others accomplish in life, hacks like Scott Miller and Gene Wojciechowski -- and you're welcome for the links -- you're all just jealous. Jealous that Barry Bonds has been able to make his living playing the game of baseball.

Barry Bonds wasn't doing anything illegal, whether he knowingly took steroids or not, and I don't care whether he did or not. He wasn't cheating. Baseball didn't ban any performance-enhancing drugs until 2002.

So he gained weight. So have I. So has everyone I knew in college, save for a couple guys who have dramatically lost weight. We pretty much all gain weight as we get older. Big fucking deal.

In a world where we have a political candidate, in these United States of America, proposing that all homosexuals be killed (we will not give him any free publicity by mentioning his name), in a world where children are put in cages by their parents, in a world where people make "crush videos" -- the sickest, most evil thing I have ever heard of, and I won't mention what they are here either. I can't even write the words, it's so evil -- we're going to get so angry at a baseball player for building up his body using performance-enhancing drugs?

This is the foulest crime we can fight?

Bullshit!

Who says that steroids make you hit home runs? Do they really, now? Do they teach you the patience at the plate that Barry so obviously has? Do they help your eyesight, do they help you determine if it's a fastball or a slider coming at you? Do they help the mechanics of the baseball swing?

Newsflash: Barry Bonds has been hitting tape-measure dongs for the better part of two decades.

If you hack-ass scribes want to get all angry, fine. But do this for me: Keep it to your fuckin' self, all right? I don't give a shit what you think. I love baseball, and I anxiously await the coming of the new season, and I'll be damned if I am going to let your bitterness -- which really stems from the fact that he wouldn't give you any interviews, you whiny fuck -- ruin it.

THE TRUTH? THE TRUTH IS THAT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

Let's get this in there for the record on Oscar morning. Last year we were six-for-six in the acting, director and picture categories, just so you all know how spectacular we are:

Best Actor will be Philip Seymour Hoffman ("Capote"). We're pretty sure about that. Of course, we were sure in September that the Colts would win the Super Bowl.

Best Actress will be Reese Witherspoon ("Walk The Line"), although it would not shock us at all to see Felicity Huffman ("Transamerica") win it.

Best Supporting Actor is a tough call; really anyone could win except for maybe William Hurt. Jake Gyllenhaal could win if there is a "Brokeback Mountain" edge; George Clooney ("Syriana") could win if the Academy wants to make sure he gets one award out of the three he is nominated for; Matt Dillon ("Crash") could win if the Academy wants to recognize a lengthy and impressive career and a really, really good ensemble cast; and Paul Giamatti ("Cinderella Man") could win if the Academy wants to apologize for egregiously leaving him off the ballot the last two years. Our guess is that Dillon will win it for reasons cited.

Our guess for Best Supporting Actress is Rachel Weisz ("The Constant Gardener"). Support for the movie faded as the nomination ballots went out, but Weisz is the driving force behind the movie. This is not our personal preference, though; that distinxction belongs to Amy Adams, who so owns "Junebug". We'd go so far as to say she is "luminous" and "delightful", and frankly she is the reason the movie was interesting. We just don't think enough people have seen it. Then again, enough people voted her a nomination. We are proud to have two members of the E.K. Nation Babe Hall of Fame nominated in this category, Weisz and Michelle Williams ("Brokeback Mountain").

Best Director will be Ang Lee ("Brokeback Mountain"). The Director's Guild Award, which went to Lee this year, is almost always an indicator of who will win on Oscar night.

Best Picture is a toss-up. "Brokeback Mountain" is pretty much a cultural hit, if not a box-office smash. But "Crash" was powerful, whereas "Brokeback" was not, really. This one is the toughest call of all. We want to say that since "Crash" was better, the Academy will honor "Brokeback." So that's what we will do. "Brokeback Mountain" is the call.

Absolutely dreadful.

Apparently the Giants, for whatever reason, conducted an American Idol spoof at spring training yesterday. No points for guessing who the person dressed up as Paula Abdul is. Yikes! It's like a bad Caribbean cabaret act. We're not being rude, but this might appeal to anyone who is over 90 and blind.

Well, now we know he is on something.