Thursday, February 23, 2006
Darren Daulton: Complete Raisincake
According to this artcle by SI's Franz Lidz, former Phillies catcher Darren Daulton has become a total fruitbat. Let's look at some nuggets, shall we?
"I've been thrown in jail five or six times," Daulton says from his home in Tampa. "Nicole thinks I'm crazy. She blames everything on drugs and drinking. But I don't take drugs and I'm not a drunk. Nicole just doesn't understand metaphysics."Metaphysics? Ummm...we're at a loss. Care to delve deeper into this?
"I didn't have my first out-of-body experience until I was 35," he says. Curiously, the epiphany occurred at one of baseball's holiest shrines -- Wrigley Field. "I hit a line-drive just inside the third base line to help win a game," he recalls. "The strange thing was I didn't hit that ball. I never hit balls inside the third base line!"Okay, we think we see where you're going with this, Dutch.
He left the ballpark in tears. "I told my wife, 'It wasn't me who swung that bat! It wasn't me!'" he says. "She thought I was Looney Tunes." She's not alone.
After Dutch retired from baseball in '97, things got surreal enough to be painted by Salvador Dali. He was arrested and put on probation for reckless and drunken-driving charges. He was arrested on a domestic-violence charge after a dispute with his second wife, Nicole, who has since filed for divorce.So we're guessing it wasn't you who did these things either, eh, Double-D? Uh-huh. And it wasn't us who predicted the Chiefs and Saints would play the Super Bowl two years ago; the ancient Mayans actually did that. We've taken note of your end-of-the-world proclamation, in conjunction with said Mayans, who believed the world would come to an end on December 21, 2012.
In 2004, Daulton did a two-month stretch in Pinellas County Jail. He'd been found in contempt of court, stemming from a failure to comply with a court order issued in his and Nicole's divorce battle. He was sprung after agreeing to serve out the remainder of his six-month sentence in a drug-and-alcohol rehab program.
"On that day, at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence, like the crew of the Enterprise in Star Trek."Don't mind if ya do.
Daulton hopes to beat the rush. "I can't wait to disappear," he says. "I'd disappear today if I could."
Friday, February 17, 2006
Random Thoughts
• Is it okay, please, people, for Bryant Gumbel to have an opinion? And is it okay for him to express it? Yes, it is, we thought so. Thank you. Just checking. Yes, there are very few black people in the Winter Olympics, and he doesn't like that fact.
We at E.K. Nation say "so what if there are few blacks in the Winter Olympics?" We were never bothered by the lack of black people when we would spend our Sunday afternoons skiing at Mt. Hood Meadows or Timberline. And we're not bothered by the lack of black athletes in the "men's pursuit" either.
But Bryant Gumbel doesn't like it, and that's his opinion, and nobody is required to agree with him and he's not required to agree with anybody else.
• So we watch the beginnings of each American Idol season for the bad auditions and the tone-deaf morons who think they are all that but really suck. And once those are over we can't help but get interested in the good singers we saw audition along with the bad ones. And now we're stuck. And we will keep watching, because it's watercooler material. And in reality, for some reason unbeknownst to us, we will remain interested.
We here at E.K. Nation are huge fans of Taylor Hicks, the Joe Cocker-like southern guy with hair as gray as a mouse and a voice with more soul than...ummm...a fish tank full of sole. (We can't spend all day thinking of cute little similes, all right?) We also think that Ace Young has a really good chance to win.
While Hicks is the unofficial male-American-Idol-contestant of E.K. Nation, the Official Babe American Idol Contestant of E.K. Nation is Katharine McPhee. There is not a stack of towels in the world large enough to help us deal with the way we feel about her.
(By the way, people. If you are still referring to William Hung as "tone-deaf", stop immediately. William Hung is not tone-deaf; he just can't sing. English is apprently his second language, he can't dance, and he just simply doesn't have a good singing voice. But he is not tone-deaf. This message brought to you by the E.K. Nation Foundation.)
• We didn't mention this before when it was "news", but here we go anywaywith a belated pronouncement: Who the fuck is James Frey and why thefuck did anyone care that he "conned Oprah"?
We at E.K. Nation say "so what if there are few blacks in the Winter Olympics?" We were never bothered by the lack of black people when we would spend our Sunday afternoons skiing at Mt. Hood Meadows or Timberline. And we're not bothered by the lack of black athletes in the "men's pursuit" either.
But Bryant Gumbel doesn't like it, and that's his opinion, and nobody is required to agree with him and he's not required to agree with anybody else.
• So we watch the beginnings of each American Idol season for the bad auditions and the tone-deaf morons who think they are all that but really suck. And once those are over we can't help but get interested in the good singers we saw audition along with the bad ones. And now we're stuck. And we will keep watching, because it's watercooler material. And in reality, for some reason unbeknownst to us, we will remain interested.
We here at E.K. Nation are huge fans of Taylor Hicks, the Joe Cocker-like southern guy with hair as gray as a mouse and a voice with more soul than...ummm...a fish tank full of sole. (We can't spend all day thinking of cute little similes, all right?) We also think that Ace Young has a really good chance to win.
While Hicks is the unofficial male-American-Idol-contestant of E.K. Nation, the Official Babe American Idol Contestant of E.K. Nation is Katharine McPhee. There is not a stack of towels in the world large enough to help us deal with the way we feel about her.
(By the way, people. If you are still referring to William Hung as "tone-deaf", stop immediately. William Hung is not tone-deaf; he just can't sing. English is apprently his second language, he can't dance, and he just simply doesn't have a good singing voice. But he is not tone-deaf. This message brought to you by the E.K. Nation Foundation.)
• We didn't mention this before when it was "news", but here we go anywaywith a belated pronouncement: Who the fuck is James Frey and why thefuck did anyone care that he "conned Oprah"?
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
E.K. Nation Loves Maria
One of our favorite things to do is look at Maria Sharapova in a swimsuit.
By the way, we haven't inducted anyone into the E.K. Nation Babe Hall of Fame in a long time, so it's time. Maria, congrats. You're in. First member of the Class of '06.
By the way, we haven't inducted anyone into the E.K. Nation Babe Hall of Fame in a long time, so it's time. Maria, congrats. You're in. First member of the Class of '06.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Message To All Women Who Got Presents Today (February 14)
Your guy got for you whatever it was he got for you because he wanted to stay out of the doghouse. He did not do it because he loves you. He might indeed love you, but the roses constitute a Stay-Out-Of-Jail-Free card. If you think they represent his love for you, you are as naive as the Mojave Desert is dry.
Trust us on this. Your man hated what he had to do today. End of story.
(Plus, if you're a woman, we are very surprised that you even know this blog exists.)
Corollary: Men, if you bought her flowers today, you wasted money, and the flowers will be dead by Saturday.
This message brought to you by the E.K. Nation Foundation. Dedicated to drop-kicking this fake, bullshit Valentine's Day nonsense into the trash.
Trust us on this. Your man hated what he had to do today. End of story.
(Plus, if you're a woman, we are very surprised that you even know this blog exists.)
Corollary: Men, if you bought her flowers today, you wasted money, and the flowers will be dead by Saturday.
This message brought to you by the E.K. Nation Foundation. Dedicated to drop-kicking this fake, bullshit Valentine's Day nonsense into the trash.
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
Pittsburgh Steelers 21, Seattle Seahawks 10
Not quite the blowout we were expecting, but the Steelers are the champs nonetheless. Some thoughts:
• Here's the main thought. The Seahawks and their fans and whoever else can complain all they want about the officiating, but the fact remains, Seattle made some errors themselves, a couple mental, a couple execution-wise, and definitely a couple coaching-wise.
Yes, the illegal-block call on Matt Hasselbeck as he made a tackle was pretty sick. But the pass-interefence call that wiped out a first-quarter touchdown? Hey, Darrell Jackson pushed off, and pushing off constitutes interference, no matter whether the man being pushed falls down or not. The holding call that nullified a play that would have brought Seattle to the Steeler 1-yard-line? What's the problem? There was a hold there. And folks, please: The ball broke the plane. Roethlisberger scored a touchdown. End of drive, seven points Pittsburgh.
• On the execution side of things (and this phrasing has led us to recall John McKay's classic comment when someone asked him about his Tampa Bay Buccaneer team's execution: "I'm for it."): Jerramy Stevens dropped a couple of passes. And one of the bad calls made by the refs in this game was on one of those drops, and the Seahawks might have even benefitted, if only slightly. Stevens caught the ball, put two feet down, and turned to run, whereupon he fumbled the ball. The ball rolled deep into the Steeler red zone and would have easily been recovered by a Steeler player if the whistle had not been blown, stopping the play. Were a Steeler to have recovered the ball, he might have been able to return the ball beyond the 20. As it turns out, Seattle's next play was a punt that went into the end zone (an error execution-wise, and not the only one Tom Rouen had on the day) for a touchback.
• And probably most significantly of all, Mike Holmgren had his team punt instead of going for it on at least one occasion where a punt was totally unnecessary and detrimental, and once where he could have made a statement saying We are going to be aggressive. With fewer than seven minutes remaining in the game and Seattle down 11 points, Holmhgren ordered a punt from near midfield. What????? You need to go for the first and keep the ball, not let Pittsburgh get it and run time off the clock. Time is running out! Also, the decision to punt on fourth-and-one at the Seattle 27 in the first quarter had us thinking, why not go for it and make a statement here? Be aggressive! Put some psychological worry-warting into the minds of the Steel Curtain defense. But no, they took the safe route and punted it away. Blah.
• Here's the main thought. The Seahawks and their fans and whoever else can complain all they want about the officiating, but the fact remains, Seattle made some errors themselves, a couple mental, a couple execution-wise, and definitely a couple coaching-wise.
Yes, the illegal-block call on Matt Hasselbeck as he made a tackle was pretty sick. But the pass-interefence call that wiped out a first-quarter touchdown? Hey, Darrell Jackson pushed off, and pushing off constitutes interference, no matter whether the man being pushed falls down or not. The holding call that nullified a play that would have brought Seattle to the Steeler 1-yard-line? What's the problem? There was a hold there. And folks, please: The ball broke the plane. Roethlisberger scored a touchdown. End of drive, seven points Pittsburgh.
• On the execution side of things (and this phrasing has led us to recall John McKay's classic comment when someone asked him about his Tampa Bay Buccaneer team's execution: "I'm for it."): Jerramy Stevens dropped a couple of passes. And one of the bad calls made by the refs in this game was on one of those drops, and the Seahawks might have even benefitted, if only slightly. Stevens caught the ball, put two feet down, and turned to run, whereupon he fumbled the ball. The ball rolled deep into the Steeler red zone and would have easily been recovered by a Steeler player if the whistle had not been blown, stopping the play. Were a Steeler to have recovered the ball, he might have been able to return the ball beyond the 20. As it turns out, Seattle's next play was a punt that went into the end zone (an error execution-wise, and not the only one Tom Rouen had on the day) for a touchback.
• And probably most significantly of all, Mike Holmgren had his team punt instead of going for it on at least one occasion where a punt was totally unnecessary and detrimental, and once where he could have made a statement saying We are going to be aggressive. With fewer than seven minutes remaining in the game and Seattle down 11 points, Holmhgren ordered a punt from near midfield. What????? You need to go for the first and keep the ball, not let Pittsburgh get it and run time off the clock. Time is running out! Also, the decision to punt on fourth-and-one at the Seattle 27 in the first quarter had us thinking, why not go for it and make a statement here? Be aggressive! Put some psychological worry-warting into the minds of the Steel Curtain defense. But no, they took the safe route and punted it away. Blah.
Friday, February 3, 2006
What Will Not Happen In The Super Bowl
The Steelers will not hop out to a quick 10-0 lead in the first quarter, aided by the first-ever punt return for a touchdown in Super Bowl history (that's right, it has never happened before, despite there being seven kickoffs returned for touchdowns. The longest punt return in Super Bowl history is a mere 45 yards. Sounds strange, doesn't it?)
Then Ben Roethlisberger will not throw two touchdown passes in the second quarter to give the Steelers a 24-3 halftime edge.
Seattle will then go scoreless in the second half, while Pittsburgh runs 22 minutes off the clock in the half with a steady ground attack, giving Jerome Bettis plenty of time to seal the win with 103 yards and a score in the fourth quarter to round off the scoring at 38-3, Pittsburgh.
Troy Polamalu will not win the Super Bowl MVP award with his interception, sack, 15 tackles and a forced fumble.
(It won't happen, because our saying it won't ensures that it will. Of course.)
The focus here in the Northwest is how the Seattle Seahawks have never been to the Super Bowl before, and all the Hawks are all wide-eyed in awe about just being in Detroit. Meanwhile, we haven't heard a whole lot of Steelers saying, "We're just happy to be here."
Matt Hasselbeck has, for lack of better word, "choked" before...and he is certainly capable of doing it again. Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger has a history -- albeit two seasons long -- of not choking. The only game he has lost that he really should have won was last year's AFC Championship, a game played in Pittsburgh, albeit against the eventual champ Patriots. He's a very poised player, especially for his youth, and will help Pittsburgh prove that its #6 seed was just a number, if beating the #1, #2 and #3 seeds on the road in consecutive playoff games hasn't already done that. The sixth-seed is not a testament to a wild-card caliber team but rather to the strength of the entire AFC.
Seattle has just one impressive victory this entire season, their 34-14 drubbing of the Panthers in the NFC title game. Pittsburgh has those three impressive victories in the playoffs alone. (Yes, the Hawks beat the Colts too, back in the fifteenth game of the regular season, but it came after Indy's dream of an undefeated season ended, and they were not going to be trying hard in those last couple of games.) And it seems as though every thing the Seahawks have, the Steelers have a better match, save for the running back category. It's just going to be too much, too overwhelming for Seattle. Again, let's make it Pittsburgh 38, Seattle 3.
Then Ben Roethlisberger will not throw two touchdown passes in the second quarter to give the Steelers a 24-3 halftime edge.
Seattle will then go scoreless in the second half, while Pittsburgh runs 22 minutes off the clock in the half with a steady ground attack, giving Jerome Bettis plenty of time to seal the win with 103 yards and a score in the fourth quarter to round off the scoring at 38-3, Pittsburgh.
Troy Polamalu will not win the Super Bowl MVP award with his interception, sack, 15 tackles and a forced fumble.
(It won't happen, because our saying it won't ensures that it will. Of course.)
The focus here in the Northwest is how the Seattle Seahawks have never been to the Super Bowl before, and all the Hawks are all wide-eyed in awe about just being in Detroit. Meanwhile, we haven't heard a whole lot of Steelers saying, "We're just happy to be here."
Matt Hasselbeck has, for lack of better word, "choked" before...and he is certainly capable of doing it again. Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger has a history -- albeit two seasons long -- of not choking. The only game he has lost that he really should have won was last year's AFC Championship, a game played in Pittsburgh, albeit against the eventual champ Patriots. He's a very poised player, especially for his youth, and will help Pittsburgh prove that its #6 seed was just a number, if beating the #1, #2 and #3 seeds on the road in consecutive playoff games hasn't already done that. The sixth-seed is not a testament to a wild-card caliber team but rather to the strength of the entire AFC.
Seattle has just one impressive victory this entire season, their 34-14 drubbing of the Panthers in the NFC title game. Pittsburgh has those three impressive victories in the playoffs alone. (Yes, the Hawks beat the Colts too, back in the fifteenth game of the regular season, but it came after Indy's dream of an undefeated season ended, and they were not going to be trying hard in those last couple of games.) And it seems as though every thing the Seahawks have, the Steelers have a better match, save for the running back category. It's just going to be too much, too overwhelming for Seattle. Again, let's make it Pittsburgh 38, Seattle 3.
Wednesday, February 1, 2006
Oscar Nomination Supernova Review
PICTURE:
What We Missed: William Hurt, A History of Violence, got in instead of Clifton Collins Jr., CapoteSUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Immediate reaction: Well, it was basically "this was predictably safe".
We don't see anything questionable or controversial as far as the actual nominees go. But didn't anyone see The 40-Year-Old Virgin? Are comedies not eligible to be nominated for awards? Steve Carell did an amazing job, guys. You could have struck a blow for the underappreciated comedic talent in the world. But no. Again and again, like clockwork, the Academy fails to recognize that comedy is harder than drama to pull off.
We're glad to see Matt Dillon and George Clooney get recognized. These two are solid, under-appreciated actors. We'd say the same thing about Paul Giamatti's nomination, but we think he should have been at least nominated for, if not declared the winner of, the Best Actor prize the last two years, for American Splendor and Sideways. We haven't seen Cinderella Man yet, but our first thought is, this is equal to the hypothetical Robert DeNiro not being nominated for Raging Bull and The Godfather, Part II but winning for A Boy's Life. If Giamatti were to win the award this year, it wouldn't be as vindicating as it would have been if he'd won for either of those other two films.
Clooney is also in the odd position of being nominated for Supporting Actor for one film and Director for another. Without our Oscar database at hand, we can't be sure if this has ever happened before. We don't think it has.
Here's a Supporting Actor who got barely a mention as a possibility for a nomination: Ian McDiarmid. This guy did some chilling work as the Emperor in four Star Wars films, and his latest performance in Episode III was the icing. This was a much more complex role than he got credit for, and we think he got robbed. Was William Hurt better than McDiarmid this year? Can't wait to find out.
So here's how we see things going on Oscar night as of now, with approximately a gazillion movie viewings to go: PICTURE: Brokeback Mountain. Way too much of a favorite for any of these other films to be considered as a winner. DIRECTOR: Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain. Same thing here. ACTOR: Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote. This appears to be a career-making performance, not that people like us haven't noticed him before. ACTRESS: Reese Witherspoon in Walk The Line. She's a Hollywood darling. Never in trouble, married with kids, settled in life. She behaves. Everyone loves her, us included. These comments have nothing to do with her performance. So we'll stop now. SUPPORTING ACTOR: Matt Dillon in Crash. What gives Dillon an edge, we think, is that the Academy will not want to let Crash go home empty-handed. Depends on how voters feel about the Original Screenplay Award; if they lean towards Clooney (and Grant Heslov) for Good Night and Good Luck, Dillon might have the advantage here. SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Rachel Weisz in The Constant Gardener. She has the Golden Globe for this performance, which doesn't hurt, but we are always wary of the surprises that come from this category. Supporting Actress is always wide open.
Filmmaker Robert Altman will receive an Honorary Oscar this year, and it is well-deserved. And we can't wait for Jon Stewart's monologue.
What We Got: Brokeback Mountain, Crash, Good Night and Good Luck, MunichSUPPORTING ACTOR:
What We Missed: Capote got in instead of Walk The Line
WHAT WE GOT: George Clooney, Syriana; Matt Dillon, Crash; Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man; Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
What We Missed: William Hurt, A History of Violence, got in instead of Clifton Collins Jr., CapoteSUPPORTING ACTRESS:
What We Got: Catherine Keener, Capote; Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener; Michelle Williams, Brokeback MountainACTRESS:
What We Missed: Amy Adams, Junebug; and Frances McDormand, North Country, got in instead of Sandra Bullock and Thandie Newton, Crash
What We Got: Felicity Huffman, Transamerica; Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice; Charlize Theron, North Country; Reese Witherspoon, Walk The LineACTOR:
What We Missed: Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents, got in instead of Ziyi Zhang, Memoirs of a Geisha
What We Got: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote; Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow; Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain;Joaquin Phoenix, Walk The Line; David Strathairn, Good Night and Good LuckDIRECTOR:
What We Missed: Nothing.
What We Got: Paul Haggis, Crash; Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain; Steven Spielberg, MunichSo this year we went 23 for 30 despite having seen only one movie (Crash) that got any nominations in these six categories.
What We Missed: George Clooney, Good Night and Good Luck and Bennett Miller, Capote got in instead of Woody Allen, Match Point and James Mangold, Walk The Line
Immediate reaction: Well, it was basically "this was predictably safe".
We don't see anything questionable or controversial as far as the actual nominees go. But didn't anyone see The 40-Year-Old Virgin? Are comedies not eligible to be nominated for awards? Steve Carell did an amazing job, guys. You could have struck a blow for the underappreciated comedic talent in the world. But no. Again and again, like clockwork, the Academy fails to recognize that comedy is harder than drama to pull off.
We're glad to see Matt Dillon and George Clooney get recognized. These two are solid, under-appreciated actors. We'd say the same thing about Paul Giamatti's nomination, but we think he should have been at least nominated for, if not declared the winner of, the Best Actor prize the last two years, for American Splendor and Sideways. We haven't seen Cinderella Man yet, but our first thought is, this is equal to the hypothetical Robert DeNiro not being nominated for Raging Bull and The Godfather, Part II but winning for A Boy's Life. If Giamatti were to win the award this year, it wouldn't be as vindicating as it would have been if he'd won for either of those other two films.
Clooney is also in the odd position of being nominated for Supporting Actor for one film and Director for another. Without our Oscar database at hand, we can't be sure if this has ever happened before. We don't think it has.
Here's a Supporting Actor who got barely a mention as a possibility for a nomination: Ian McDiarmid. This guy did some chilling work as the Emperor in four Star Wars films, and his latest performance in Episode III was the icing. This was a much more complex role than he got credit for, and we think he got robbed. Was William Hurt better than McDiarmid this year? Can't wait to find out.
So here's how we see things going on Oscar night as of now, with approximately a gazillion movie viewings to go: PICTURE: Brokeback Mountain. Way too much of a favorite for any of these other films to be considered as a winner. DIRECTOR: Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain. Same thing here. ACTOR: Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote. This appears to be a career-making performance, not that people like us haven't noticed him before. ACTRESS: Reese Witherspoon in Walk The Line. She's a Hollywood darling. Never in trouble, married with kids, settled in life. She behaves. Everyone loves her, us included. These comments have nothing to do with her performance. So we'll stop now. SUPPORTING ACTOR: Matt Dillon in Crash. What gives Dillon an edge, we think, is that the Academy will not want to let Crash go home empty-handed. Depends on how voters feel about the Original Screenplay Award; if they lean towards Clooney (and Grant Heslov) for Good Night and Good Luck, Dillon might have the advantage here. SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Rachel Weisz in The Constant Gardener. She has the Golden Globe for this performance, which doesn't hurt, but we are always wary of the surprises that come from this category. Supporting Actress is always wide open.
Filmmaker Robert Altman will receive an Honorary Oscar this year, and it is well-deserved. And we can't wait for Jon Stewart's monologue.
