E.K. NATION

DANE COOK

E.K. NATION'S 2005 MAN OF THE YEAR

Pretty good year for Dane Cook, we would say.

Check this out: He had an album debut at #4 on the Billboard chart. This is a comedy album, by the way. And it's amazing stuff. If you have no idea who Dane Cook is, get out from underneath your goddamn rock and start living life. IMDB.com describes his style as "observational comedy mixed with dark humor and comedic violence" but we describe it as "fuckin' hi-fuckin'-LARIOUS." No, screw that: He's a rock star. That's how insane he is getting.

He hosted an episode of Saturday Night Live, no small feat for a comedian who does not have a TV show named after him. The 100% wool turtleneck sweater sketch was divine.

He sold out shows at Madison Square Garden. He did a fine send-up of Tom Cruise's Oprah Show antics. He became our favorite comedian. Not too shabby when you consider that the previous holder of that honor was the master, George Carlin.

And he kissed Charlize Theron's ass. Literally. Hell, yes. She only smiled at us (true story).

And to round it off -- and to be sure, because of all this -- he is E.K. Nation's Man of the Year. Large fry, muthafucka!!

What's up, dickhead? Here's a touchdown celebration you might want to try: Fuckin' shake the hands of the offensive lineman, the quarterback and everybody else on the field, and the coaches who designed the play you scored on, because without them, you're not scoring, period, end of story, you selfish asshole.

E.K. Nation is now officially Rooting Against The Cincinnati Bengals.

Two years ago we referred to Steve Finley as an "honorary Giant" for his late-inning heroics that beat a team the Giants were battling. Now, and get your brain ready for a sentence that is 100 words long, in a move that is pleasing for the main reason that Steve Finley can't actually get any clutch hits that damage the Giants, like he's done in years past, oh, and also because he has been known to have good range in the outfield, and also because Edgardo Alfonzo can't stink up the joint for the Giants anymore, the Giants acquired Steve Finley from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Near Dana Point But Nowhere Close To Goose Bay, Newfoundland, Canada, in exchange for Edgardo Alfonzo.

And we realize that we hadn't yet made a comment about the acquisition of Cardinals pitcher Matt Morris, so here goes: We like this acquisition. We needed another solid starter and fortunately we abandoned, for a moment, any attempts to get a reliever. We also note that the two pitchers who faced the Giants in their pennant-winning NLCS Game 5 in 2002 are now Giants themselves, Steve Kline having been picked up in the LaTroy Hawkins trade.

However, we are still looking for one more solid bat to be placed somewhere near Barry Bonds in the lineup. Finley's had pop in the past but he's definitely not going to scare any manager into ordering his ace to throw to Barry. The outfield is pretty shored up; the only infielder really who comes close to fitting this bill is Joe Randa, unless we have forgotten somebody. Randa'd be perfect; he's already 36. He'd be a spring chicken on this team.

We were all set to mention how the Giants have acquired Tim Worrell and Steve Kline for the bullpen and were ready to remind the Giants' brass about how, while these two guys are dependable pitchers, the Giants need to work on the starters portion of the pitching staff...

...when we discovered that the Giants have let J.T. Snow go.

We don't recall feeling this bad over a player's leaving the Giants since Will Clark signed with Texas after the 1993 season. While he wasn't Hall of Fame material by any stretch, there was something oddly comforting about having J.T. on the field in black and orange; he rarely made mistakes at first, prevented the first-ever on-field death of a manager's child during a baseball game, and provided us with our favorite home run of all-time--his ninth-inning, 3-run homer off Armando Benitez to tie Game 2 against the Mets in 2000--even if the joy did last an entire half-inning.

We'll miss you, J.T. We've got some big shoes to fill at first.

J.T. Snow....gone.

E.K. Nation is rooting against the Carolina Panthers for the rest of the season.

Why? Well, most touchdown celebrations are stupid. But Steve Smith's little skit in the 2nd quarter of yesterday's game against the Atlanta Falcons was the all-time most disgusting one ever. He set the ball down in the end zone, and, pretending it was a baby, wiped its ass with his towel.

Steve Smith, YOU are the child. Grow up, idiot. Act like a fucking professional.

E.K. Nation is hoping the Carolina Panthers go down in flames as early as possible in the playoffs. We do not need to see the Super Bowl befouled by such stupid goddamn nonsense.

Memo to NFL receivers: Your job is to score touchdowns. Nobody thinks you're special if you get the ball into the end zone. Enough stupid celebrations. It's old, it's tired, and you're not special.

We were going to put these up a few weeks ago when the season was just getting started but somehow got sidetracked. And no, we have not changed anything from what we were going to say. Here's our Final Four prediction:

And Duke will defeat Louisville in the national championship game this April.

Here it is, your Moment Of Incredulity.

Among those listed on the Hall of Fame ballot are such notables as:

Rick Aguilera
Gregg Jefferies
Hal Morris
Gary DiSarcina
Doug Jones
Walt Weiss

And we don't believe it either.

This had to have been caused by some sort of meteor.

Do the people coming up with this list realize that the list they are making is for Hall of Fame consideration?

There are no words.

We dare say, nobody on this year's ballot deserves it. The Hall of Fame is for the absolute elite. And nobody on the list matches that criterion. Sorry, Mr. Blyleven. Apologies, Messrs. Murphy and Rice. Too bad, Joey Belle. It ain't happening.

Voters: Leave the ballot blank!