Tuesday, August 9, 2005
What Are They Smoking At The NCAA?
Whatever it is, it's making them massively retarded.
The NCAA has effectively banned all nicknames that are "hostile and abusive" when it comes to race, ethnicity or national origin.
When was the last time any hostility or abuse resulted from any such mascots?
Didn't seem to be a problem when the Fighting Illini were battling it out for the basketball championship last season. We don't recall even one single mention of any offense taken during the run. There has been some discussion in the past, as outlined here on the Univeristy of Illinois website, but this reminds us of the recent controversy surrounding the proposed Constitutional amendment to ban flag-burning; we hadn't seen any reason to be concerned about it, so why bring it up?
"Illini" is wrong, says the NCAA. So is "Seminoles", even though the Seminole tribe of Florida has expressed support for its use. But for some reason, "Aztecs" is okay. So what's the distinction? Why is one okay and another not?
We're also confused by the allowance of "Fighting Irish" (Notre Dame) or "Flying Dutchmen (Hofstra) or "Trojans" (USC). Good thing this doesn't extend to pro sports; the Indians, Braves, Chiefs, Canadiens, Canucks, and Yankees, among others, might be forced to do some faux-soul-searching.
CLearly, this is an over-reaction. For Chrissakes, The Oregonian newspaper won't even print the nicknames of such teams as the Braves and Indians. We simply don't get it.
There wasn't much of a problem before, but now we see one coming. Some schools are being unfairly targeted while others are getting off scot free, and it doesn't make any sense at all.
Anyway, we've come up with some inoffensive -- we think -- nicknames for sports teams to use when faced with this kind of ban:
That's right. This is the policy of the University of Iowa...Hawkeyes.
It would be tough to schedule a game against a school with a state in its name. Most states are named for Indian words.
Bertuzzi's Back? Fuck That: Steve Moore's career is pretty much over, thanks to the broken neck he got when Todd Bertuzzi sucker-punched him from the back. And Todd Bertuzzi gets to resume his career? Fuck that noise. You kidding me with this?
First of all, fuck off!
Second of all, nobody has been playing any NHL games for fifteen months. It wasn't like Bertuzzi missed a season that everyone else (except Moore) got to play. His suspension -- for breaking a guy's neck -- lasted a grand total of...
...wait for it...
Twenty games.
Twenty.
Kenny Rogers missed that many games for knocking a camera out of a guy's hands. Bertuzzi fucking broke a guy's neck. Fuck you, Bettman, with this financial-and-emotional-woes shit. Moore got a broken neck, asshole! Yeah, I'm sure Moore can understand Bertuzzi's plight. I mean, to have emotional woes. Yeah, I'll bet Bertuzzi would love to switch places, it's gotta be so horrible. The guy is an NHL player, making hundreds of thousands of dollars. He has no financial woes that were caused by the suspension. Eat it, Bettman, and you too, Bertuzzi.
Hey, Bertuzzi: Be a man and don't play unless Steve Moore takes the ice in an NHL game again.
The NCAA has effectively banned all nicknames that are "hostile and abusive" when it comes to race, ethnicity or national origin.
When was the last time any hostility or abuse resulted from any such mascots?
Didn't seem to be a problem when the Fighting Illini were battling it out for the basketball championship last season. We don't recall even one single mention of any offense taken during the run. There has been some discussion in the past, as outlined here on the Univeristy of Illinois website, but this reminds us of the recent controversy surrounding the proposed Constitutional amendment to ban flag-burning; we hadn't seen any reason to be concerned about it, so why bring it up?
"Illini" is wrong, says the NCAA. So is "Seminoles", even though the Seminole tribe of Florida has expressed support for its use. But for some reason, "Aztecs" is okay. So what's the distinction? Why is one okay and another not?
We're also confused by the allowance of "Fighting Irish" (Notre Dame) or "Flying Dutchmen (Hofstra) or "Trojans" (USC). Good thing this doesn't extend to pro sports; the Indians, Braves, Chiefs, Canadiens, Canucks, and Yankees, among others, might be forced to do some faux-soul-searching.
CLearly, this is an over-reaction. For Chrissakes, The Oregonian newspaper won't even print the nicknames of such teams as the Braves and Indians. We simply don't get it.
There wasn't much of a problem before, but now we see one coming. Some schools are being unfairly targeted while others are getting off scot free, and it doesn't make any sense at all.
Anyway, we've come up with some inoffensive -- we think -- nicknames for sports teams to use when faced with this kind of ban:
"Cheese"If for some reason these names are not acceptable, you can do what the University of Iowa does, which is simply refuse to schedule games against schools with Indian nicknames.
"Eggs"
"Air"
"Water"
"Pickles"
"Rocky Mountain Extreme"*
"Chairs"
"Carbon, Blood, Hair, and Marrow"**
"Driftwood"
"Humans Of Varied Cultures And Lands, All Of Whom Are Appreciatable"
"Inoffensive, Inanimate Items"
"John Tesh"
* an actual suggested nickname for the Quebec Nordiques to use upon their move to Denver; we are thankful they went with "Colorado Avalanche" instead
** little known fact: Carbon, Blood, Hair, and Marrow hit #3 on the Billboard pop chart in 1974 with "Sweet Time For Lovin' in Good Old Georgia"
That's right. This is the policy of the University of Iowa...Hawkeyes.
It would be tough to schedule a game against a school with a state in its name. Most states are named for Indian words.
Bertuzzi's Back? Fuck That: Steve Moore's career is pretty much over, thanks to the broken neck he got when Todd Bertuzzi sucker-punched him from the back. And Todd Bertuzzi gets to resume his career? Fuck that noise. You kidding me with this?
Bettman said the 17 months Bertuzzi has been unable to play hockey cost him both financially and emotionally.WHAT???!!!
First of all, fuck off!
Second of all, nobody has been playing any NHL games for fifteen months. It wasn't like Bertuzzi missed a season that everyone else (except Moore) got to play. His suspension -- for breaking a guy's neck -- lasted a grand total of...
...wait for it...
Twenty games.
Twenty.
Kenny Rogers missed that many games for knocking a camera out of a guy's hands. Bertuzzi fucking broke a guy's neck. Fuck you, Bettman, with this financial-and-emotional-woes shit. Moore got a broken neck, asshole! Yeah, I'm sure Moore can understand Bertuzzi's plight. I mean, to have emotional woes. Yeah, I'll bet Bertuzzi would love to switch places, it's gotta be so horrible. The guy is an NHL player, making hundreds of thousands of dollars. He has no financial woes that were caused by the suspension. Eat it, Bettman, and you too, Bertuzzi.
Hey, Bertuzzi: Be a man and don't play unless Steve Moore takes the ice in an NHL game again.
