E.K. NATION

Ladies and gentleman, with just over a month remaining in the regular season, your six divison leaders in Major League Baseball:

Boston Red Sox: 74-54, .578
Chicago White Sox: 79-48, .622
Oakland Athletics: 73-56, .566
Atlanta Braves: 74-56, .569
St. Louis Cardinals: 83-48, .634
San Diego Padres: 64-65, .496

Kind of reminds you of that Sesame Street skit with the song that goes, "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong..."

You see it. The one that's under .500 for the year.

At this point we at E.K. Nation would like to pause and point out two things, which we will call One and One-a: One, the watered down wild-card system almost guaranteed that one day we'd be seeing something like this, and One-a, that the N.L. West would not be so weak and would not inspire so many of you to decry it as crap, if the wild-card system had not been instituted.

Like most of you wanted it to be.

Without the Braves and Astros--who were in the N.L. West prior to the wild-card-system debacle and who are the only two of the seven then-West teams to be over .500 right now--the N.L. West has become the moderate hellhole it is currently.

But just remember, folks, chances are: You wanted it to be this way.

No complaining. You got what you wanted. A watered-down playoff format. Nice going.

So, This Is What We Are Saying: If you wanted the wild-card system to be put in place but are now complaining about how one of the division winners is under .500, shut up. Shut up. Shut your mouth. Shut up. Shut your mouth. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut your mouth. Shut up. Shut up. The yap? Button it up. Shut it. Don't speak. Keep it zipped. Shut up. It's your fault. Shut up. Shut your mouth. Shut up. Remain silent. We see that you might be about to speak, and thus we must say, do not. Shut up. Be quiet. Shut up. Shut your mouth. Do not speak. Quiet, please. Any talking will be met with an abrasive call for no talking. Shut up. Shut up. Keep it zipped. Zip it. Shut your mouth. We need less talking and more not talking. Silence. Shut up. No talking. Don't speak. Shut your mouth. Shut up. A decibel level of zero would be appreciated. Shut it. Shut your mouth. Shut up. Anything you say will make us say "Shut up." Shut up. Do not vibrate your vocal cords and move your lips, tongue and jawbone around in order to form audible words that can be understood by the human ear. Shut up.

The sorely-needed youth movement continues in the City as Michael Tucker has been traded to the Phillies for 19-year-old minor-league pitcher Kelvin Pichardo, and 20-year-old Matt Cain has been called up and will take his place in the starting rotation on Monday for the Giants against Colorado.

The Giants continue to get better looks at their young players with recent moves. Jason Ellison should get more time in the outfield, and Noah Lowry has become the second-most senior man in the rotation, what with Brett Tomko's recent move to the bullpen. Look at this rotation: Schmidt, Lowry, Cain, Hennessey and Correia. We like this prospect a lot better than we did a rotation with Tomko and Rueter. At least future-wise.

The book on Cain:

"Before I even saw him, I was alerted to the fact that this guy can really throw," said Giants manager Felipe Alou. "He's a very aggressive young guy. And then when I saw the guy throw, I knew that he was going to be here."

A year ago, Cain tore through Class A and Double-A with a record of 13-5 and a 2.67 ERA. He led all Giants Minor Leaguers with 161 strikeouts and his ERA and wins total were tops in the system as well. Following the season, he was named the organizational Player of the Year by USA Today.

Beginning this season in Triple-A, he was 10-5 with a 4.39 ERA before Monday's promotion. Cain allowed 118 hits in 145 2/3 innings and his 176 strikeouts were 43 more than the next most in the Pacific Coast League.

We at E.K. Nation would like to call attention to a new advertiser on this site: Tixtrade.com--see also the link on the sidebar over there--and we suspect this will be an easy resource for Bay Area sports fans. It's a site devoted specifically to Bay Area sports, and it's free. So go on over there and check it out. You can go to the front page and immediately check out a dozen or so new listings, and look: The tickets aren't expensive, either. We're from Oregon but if we ever have a plan to see the Giants at SBC, we're going to check out that site. Happy ticket hunting!

Full table. Several players in this hand. Flop comes 2-2-2. Guy who had folded before the flop jumps up and pretends to pound the wall with his fists. Great. Now there are two things the players who are still live can't do: 1) bluff that they have the fourth two, and 2) FEAR someone else having the fourth two.

Schmuck. We're begging you, people. Don't talk about, or otherwise indicate, the cards you folded while the hand is still live. It affects the way the people still live can play, that is, if they are paying any attention at all.

One thing that struck us while looking at the boxscore of last night's 10-8 win over Cinc is the fact that Deivi had 5 RBIs and didn't leave anybody on base. Now, that's a day.

When was the last time two guys from the same team went 5-for-5 in the same game? Nice work, Pedro and Deivi. Coming back to win even though they were behind by three twice? And three relievers (Jeremy Accardo--making his E.K. Nation debut mention right here--Scott Eyre and LaTroy Hawkins) get holds? And then Barry says he might come back in September?

Nah, we don't believe that last one, either, but everything else the last couple of days has been positive. Nineteen hits last night, Randy Winn hit for the cycle on Monday--he still needs 11 more homers as a Giant for us to win this bet we made. We've got two more games with the Reds. We are in good shape to get a couple of needed victories before taking on St. Louis under the Arch this weekend and then Philly at home starting Monday. And then September is made up almost entirely of games against the silly-ass weak N.L. West. We just need to hang around until then. Yes, we have three teams to leap-frog in the division, but it can still be done.

We wonder how many wins the division winner is going to have. Eighty-two, maybe? Should we do that thing they did in Major League? "Every time we win, we peel a section..."

I'm a firm believer in second chances. And if we're gonna go through life not giving anyone second chances, then what kind of life are we gonna have around here? People make mistakes in life...I was under the microscope and on TV when my mistake happened. And if I'm going to sit here and jeep getting ridiculed about it, how are we going to ever gonna give someone a second chance to become better?

Todd Bertuzzi, August 15, 2005.

Hey Bertuzzi: Fuck you, asshole.

How dare you hold a press conference and declare yourself a victim?

Your mistake didn't just happen. You made it happen, fuckwad. You broke somebody's neck. And I'm going to keep talking about it. Especially since you knew how to act, and you fucked up anyway. Remember this?

What can you really say? It's disgusting what happened, and it's unfortunate, and the league's got to do something about it.

Todd Bertuzzi, February 21, 2000, referring to Boston's Marty McSorley's cheap shot on Vancouver's Donald Brashear

Step it up, asshole. The league's letting you play again. What are you going to about it??

Kirk Rueter's been designated for assignment, meaning his tenure with the Giants is over. We like the changes that are being made at SBC Park; the old-timers are starting to be cast away, and it looks like we are approaching something somewhat resembling a new direction.

• Anyway, has anyone noticed--yes, you have; we all have--that the first-place team in the N.L. West is a game under .500?

Before you complain, think about whether you were for or against the wild-card system being instituted. And we are guessing you were for it. If you were for the wild-card system, and if you still are, don't complain to us. You should have seen it coming, and actually, we did see it arrive in 1994, the first year of the system, when Texas was the top team in the A.L. West despite being ten games under .500 when--fortunately, in this respect--the strike hit.

If the pre-1994 two-division-per-league setup remained, the worst team headed to the playoffs at this point would be eightteen games above .500. Granted, there wouldn't be as much excitement in the races as was typically found, but wouldn't four excellent teams making the playoffs be better than having one of eight be under .500? The answer is yes. Thanks for playing Quiz Time.

Whatever it is, it's making them massively retarded.

The NCAA has effectively banned all nicknames that are "hostile and abusive" when it comes to race, ethnicity or national origin.

When was the last time any hostility or abuse resulted from any such mascots?

Didn't seem to be a problem when the Fighting Illini were battling it out for the basketball championship last season. We don't recall even one single mention of any offense taken during the run. There has been some discussion in the past, as outlined here on the Univeristy of Illinois website, but this reminds us of the recent controversy surrounding the proposed Constitutional amendment to ban flag-burning; we hadn't seen any reason to be concerned about it, so why bring it up?

"Illini" is wrong, says the NCAA. So is "Seminoles", even though the Seminole tribe of Florida has expressed support for its use. But for some reason, "Aztecs" is okay. So what's the distinction? Why is one okay and another not?

We're also confused by the allowance of "Fighting Irish" (Notre Dame) or "Flying Dutchmen (Hofstra) or "Trojans" (USC). Good thing this doesn't extend to pro sports; the Indians, Braves, Chiefs, Canadiens, Canucks, and Yankees, among others, might be forced to do some faux-soul-searching.

CLearly, this is an over-reaction. For Chrissakes, The Oregonian newspaper won't even print the nicknames of such teams as the Braves and Indians. We simply don't get it.

There wasn't much of a problem before, but now we see one coming. Some schools are being unfairly targeted while others are getting off scot free, and it doesn't make any sense at all.

Anyway, we've come up with some inoffensive -- we think -- nicknames for sports teams to use when faced with this kind of ban:

"Cheese"
"Eggs"
"Air"
"Water"
"Pickles"
"Rocky Mountain Extreme"*
"Chairs"
"Carbon, Blood, Hair, and Marrow"**
"Driftwood"
"Humans Of Varied Cultures And Lands, All Of Whom Are Appreciatable"
"Inoffensive, Inanimate Items"
"John Tesh"

* an actual suggested nickname for the Quebec Nordiques to use upon their move to Denver; we are thankful they went with "Colorado Avalanche" instead
** little known fact: Carbon, Blood, Hair, and Marrow hit #3 on the Billboard pop chart in 1974 with "Sweet Time For Lovin' in Good Old Georgia"

If for some reason these names are not acceptable, you can do what the University of Iowa does, which is simply refuse to schedule games against schools with Indian nicknames.

That's right. This is the policy of the University of Iowa...Hawkeyes.

It would be tough to schedule a game against a school with a state in its name. Most states are named for Indian words.

Bertuzzi's Back? Fuck That: Steve Moore's career is pretty much over, thanks to the broken neck he got when Todd Bertuzzi sucker-punched him from the back. And Todd Bertuzzi gets to resume his career? Fuck that noise. You kidding me with this?

Bettman said the 17 months Bertuzzi has been unable to play hockey cost him both financially and emotionally.

WHAT???!!!

First of all, fuck off!

Second of all, nobody has been playing any NHL games for fifteen months. It wasn't like Bertuzzi missed a season that everyone else (except Moore) got to play. His suspension -- for breaking a guy's neck -- lasted a grand total of...

...wait for it...

Twenty games.

Twenty.

Kenny Rogers missed that many games for knocking a camera out of a guy's hands. Bertuzzi fucking broke a guy's neck. Fuck you, Bettman, with this financial-and-emotional-woes shit. Moore got a broken neck, asshole! Yeah, I'm sure Moore can understand Bertuzzi's plight. I mean, to have emotional woes. Yeah, I'll bet Bertuzzi would love to switch places, it's gotta be so horrible. The guy is an NHL player, making hundreds of thousands of dollars. He has no financial woes that were caused by the suspension. Eat it, Bettman, and you too, Bertuzzi.

Hey, Bertuzzi: Be a man and don't play unless Steve Moore takes the ice in an NHL game again.

Good morning, Mr. Chairman and Members of the Committee. My name is Rafael Palmeiro and I am a professional baseball player. I'll be brief in my remarks today. Let me start by telling you this: I have never used steroids. Period. I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never. The reference to me in Mr. Canseco's book is absolutely false.

Yeah. Ummm....oops.

We heard some people talking at The Stockpot about how players who get busted for steroid use should have all of their stats completely expunged from the records of baseball. And to that we say, "You're a fucking moron." Not only that, but we have said before and we will say it again: We have found it very hard to care about steroids use and steroid busts. So there's no need to expunge anything. Besides, if Palmeiro (or whoever) has his home runs removed, does that mean that we go back and delete all the home runs given up to Palmeiro by all those pitchers, thus lowering the ERAs, and so forth? Do they not get credit for striking Palmeiro out anymore? It's a stupid fucking suggestion, and anyone who says it is a dumbass.

• What's This? A Blurb About Hockey? When's The Last Time That Happened?: Adam Foote, formerly of the beloved Colorado Avalanche, is now with some team that plays in Columbus, Ohio. We guess it is an NHL team. Anyway, it feels good to actually be talking about hockey.