E.K. NATION

We feel that our delay in obtaining the MLB Extra Innings package has been a blessing in disguise. We haven't had to see much of this ridiculous start to the 2005 season. We did, however, see the Fresno Grizzlies, the Giants' AAA team, play a game here in Portland the other night, with Todd Linden, Brian Dallimore, et al. One thing we can say is, stale-split-pea-soup colored uniforms don't look good. We have found no photos of any Grizzly road uniforms to share with you so that you can see the horror for yourself, but if you happen to see one, don't adjust your set. That's the real color. Yikes. That's all we have to say right now. The Giants are sucking and we're afraid we can't offer much, not having seen any of the recent games. Just wanted to let you, faithful reader, that we are still alive in E.K. Nation.

My post-life wish is to be cremated, but if I were to be buried somewhere, my tombstone would read: "Here lies E.K.--Cause of Death: San Francisco Giants Baseball."

They're fucking killing us.

When we are one game back with three games to go, this game will be at the forefront of my brain. Just like last year, when we blew a ninth-inning lead on April 8. We mentioned that games in April are just as important as games in September and October. We don't need games like this causing us to think, "If only..." for so long. Six months is a long time.

Two out of the last three games the Gigantes have played at Dodger Stadium have entailed them holding a three-run lead in the ninth, only to blow it. It's too much to take.

We as Giants fans need something to make us feel warm and safe again. Here's a photo to make all of us Giants fans feel better.

By the way, we are remiss in not paying tribute fast enough to comedian Mitch Hedberg, who died last week at the age of 37. Not your garden variety comedian, he had sort of a Steven Wright-ish way of looking at life and commenting on it, although he wouldn't agree. If you saw him on TV, you might have thought, "Kurt Cobain was a comedian too?" On the rare occasion when a joke bombed, he would simply say, "Well, I don't even know what I was going for there. That one sucked." Here are some of the thousands that didn't suck.:

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs, but I used to, too."

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But pringles was a chill company so they said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say 'I'm gonna go shave too.'"

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'What?' and turn my head slightly."

"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess.'"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run."

"I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, 'I'm hungry,' so it died."

MITCH HEDBERG 1968-2005

Two of the greatest words in the English language.

And nothing like a couple of old-timers doing acrobatics in the field help preserve a 4-2 Opening Day win over the Dodgeballs.

E.K. Nation's Next Pitcher To Throw A No-Hitter is not Brad Penny anymore. It's a new season, and we must change it up. So, the third pitcher all-time to be anointed with this title is...Mark Hendrickson of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Good luck, Mark! Your first scheduled start is Wednesday, April 6, against Toronto.

NATIONAL LEAGUE DIVISION CHAMPS:

AMERICAN LEAGUE DIVISION CHAMPS:

WILD CARDS:

NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP:

def.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP:

def.

2005 WORLD SERIES:

defeat

Our picks for last year's World Series, the Yankees and Astros, both suffered losses in Game 7 of their respective League Championship Series, so we came pretty close. One thing we did not come close on: picking Arizona to win the N.L. West.

As readers of this blog know, we have promised to eat this blog if the Giants don't win the N.L. West this year. Most Giants bloggers that I have read are down on this year's model, saying it's too old, that Mike Matheny can't hit, that Moises Alou is going to miss Wrigley and hit maybe 15 homers, that Kirk Rueter's ears are too big, whatever. Doesn't anyone realize Cody Ransom is gone? (Prediction: Nobody named "Cody" will ever be enshrined in the Hall of Fame.) We here at E.K. Nation are just as happy with this group as any other team in the last few years--screw the AARP jokes--and feel it is good enough to once again lose to the Marlins in the Division Series.

A relative newcomer to this year's playoff party will be the Texas Rangers. No reason to think it doesn't have as much offense as, say, the Bosox, and with one fewer team to deal with in its division than most other teams do, that gives it a bit better chance. True, they don't have much pitching, but they will realize this soon enough and make a deal to nab a top-notch starter by the trade deadline.

The Twins' success in the playoffs will be directly connected to whether or not Ron Gardenhire has figured out that you don't need to pull Johan Santana, like, ever. You pulled him from Game 4 and the Yankees suddenly kicked it into gear and shocked you out of the playoffs. Don't do that again, Ronny. If you don't, the Twins will go farther this year.

Will Barry be around long enough to win his fifth straight MVP award? Probably not. This year will probably be Albert Pujols' year to win it. As for the Cy Young Award, we'll go with Jason Schmidt. In the American League, the MVP comes out of the West every year (nine straight seasons), so we'll go with Alfonso Soriano of Texas. Johan Santana will be the Cy Young winner for the second straight year.

Boston's year was last year. No world title for you. Minnesota will defeat it in the first round. Also, we know we should be committed for not picking the Atlanta Braves to win the N.L. East.

In the end, Florida's going to make it to the World Series again. They have the tools, they have the talent. But they won't be able to overcome the mighty Yankees, who will win it all for the first time in, let's see...five years. No way; it's been that long?

• In college basketball news, HEY! For the second straight year, a team from E.K. Nation's pre-season Final Four has made it to the championship game. Carolina's tough, man. But they will drown in a sea of orange tonight. Illinois will take it home, with an 83-76 victory.