E.K. NATION

I don't want to call them "rants" anymore. I'll let Dennis Miller have that one unfettered by me.

American Music Awards: I didn't see it. But I can tell you how totally lame it was, simply by reading the list of winners. Fleetwood Mac won Best Pop Rock Group? What, did Wings not have an album out this year? Or Starland Vocal Band?

I guess it doesn't even matter when you last performed. Aaliyah, who died two-and-a-half years ago, won Female R&B Artist. And Kid Rock, who if he hasn't died yet probably may soon, won Male Pop-Rock Artist. Said Mr. Rock:

I'm a rapper, when it comes down to it. That's what I started out as, that's what I'll always be...I'm just cheating on my girlfriend over there with rock 'n' roll and country and whatnot.

Oh, you are sneaky, man!!

And Britney Spears won Most Overrated Person In The Solar System. This...

...is not hip. This girl still does the same routine over and over and over, and they let her do it even though she simply can not sing. And how ironic is the song title "Me Against The Music"? Yes, it truly is an offense against music. Did you see the Saturday Night Live that Halle Berry hosted? If you did, you saw two songs "performed"; one song, a wistful ballad, was marred by at least a dozen bad notes--I stopped counting after that; it was only halfway done--and one song was horrifically lip-synched while she did her freakishly outdated dance moves. Note to "singers": When you are the musical guest on a show, the least you can do is sing the songs you're performing. (That episode is going to be rerun this Saturday, in case you missed it.)

I long for that three-month stretch back in 1998 or so, when Much Music, Canada's version of MTV, played Britney's Catholic-school-girl-uniform-laden "Baby...One More Time" video before American audiences caught on and I seemed to be the only person I knew who knew who Britney Spears was. She was my own personal fantasy. I didn't know she sucked, and I had not a care in the world. All I knew was that she was the cutest thing ever. Aaahhhh, Britney. I hardly knew ye. I've moved on. Not even the Veterans Committee will let you into the E.K. Sports Hot Girl Hall of Fame. You can't just be hot; you have to have some sort of discernible talent. I've been in karaoke bars with more talent than Britney has.

Karaoke bars: Here's the rule: I don't mind if you can't sing. Just stop if you see people covering their ears.

Another rule: No "Summer Nights". Ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

The Holiday Season: First of all, it's still November, but I saw some Christmas decorations up last month. I'm barely getting used to the clock change and the world getting dark at 5. I'm not even close to getting into holiday mode.

Second, when the bleach-blonde newscaster tells you that the holiday season has "Officially Started", she is lying to you. There is no "official start" to the holiday season. There isn't even an official holiday season, period. Do yourself a favor. Don't put up any wreaths or lights until it's at least December, okay?