E.K. NATION

How do you feel, the Morning After?

How do you feel, knowing that you--some Cubs-fan schmuck in headphones--have No Clue?

They showed you on Fox after the play. You were sitting there in your front-row seat at Wrigley Field, looking as clueless as you were the day you were born. Just staring off into space as if nothing had happened.

You really don't have any idea what you've done, do you? People like you Just Don't Get It.

You're the guy who drives 35 mph on the freeway entrance, infuriating the folks behind you. You're the guy who still writes checks at the grocery store, making people wait extra long for you. You're the guy who, when he inadvertently rents a widescreen DVD and pops it in, sees the black bars at the top and bottom of his screen and thinks his TV set is broken.

I'll bet, judging by your actions, you didn't even know about the long suffering of Cubs fans.

You do now, though.

You need to take an entire year off from whatever it is you do--if you're still alive, that is--and just sit there in your home and think. Think about what it is exactly that you are doing here. Because you have pissed millions of people off. All because you thought it would be great to catch a foul ball at a playoff game.

And it would be, too. I have a Mike Piazza home run ball. I got it in 1996. And even though I'm a Giants fan and it was a Dodger who hit it, it's still the greatest souvenir I possess. I understand how cool it is to get a ball at a game.

But if you are in the front row at a playoff game in which your team, the lowly Cubs, have a chance to lock down their first World Series appearance in 58 years, a Series they haven't won in 95 years, and a fly ball is coming your way and your player has a chance to record the fifth-to-last-out in that game, at a point when outs are so precious, you need to back away. Cover your head with your arms. Leap over the row behind you if you have to. Give your man a chance to catch that ball. And for cryin' out loud, don't mess with the Cubs when they are five outs away from the World Series.

The Fox broadcasting team last night was nice to you. But for all the comments about how, you know, it's just a common reaction, and that fan is not to blame, blah blah blah...No. You are to blame. Wrigley Field was rocking. Cubs fans were elated, yelling and screaming and jumping up and down. Even Waveland Avenue was a thundering throng of people who couldn't find a ticket to the game, many of whom had those ThunderStix noisemakers. And they were ready. And after you did your interfering thing, the Friendly Confines had been turned into a mausoleum. And it came apart after that. It is your fault. Tough break that the ball came down right where you were, because if it had been five feet closer to the plater or five feet closer to the Wrigley ivy, it would have been someone else being reviled.

What Others Are Saying:

From Jayson Stark of ESPN:

We don't know his name. We don't want to know his name. We hope no one in Chicago ever learns his name.

We hope he already has joined the witness-protection program. We hope he can start a new life somewhere, rooting for a team thousands of miles from the North Side of Chicago. We hope he forgets. We hope the people of Chicago forget about him.

But that will never happen. No way. Because the Cubs lost a playoff game they couldn't lose Tuesday night. And one reason they lost it is because a 26-year-old guy in a Cubs cap saw a baseball coming his way and decided to try to catch it.

The Marlins' Jeff Conine, from that same article:

I couldn't believe, in a game this huge, that a Cubs fan would do something like that.

From an AP article:

Other fans tossed beer at the fan and shouted profanities and threats at him. A handful of security guards quickly escorted him from his seat, his face covered with a sweater as he walked to a security room.

Some fans were yelling, "Kill him!" and "You cost us the World Series!" as he was being led away.

"He possibly cost us the pennant, and I want to know if it was worth a $20 ball? What a loser," said Sean Henning, who was sitting about five rows back.

I hope you come out of this okay, I really do. I hope you are happy. I know millions of people are not, though, and the person they are not happy with is your mother. They wish you had never been born. It's a bitter pill to swallow, I know. I wouldn't have wished that situation on you in a million years. So, if the Cubs lose tonight, and I imagine they will, you need to go back to your Chicagoland home, pack up your stuff, rent that U-Haul, and find a new place to live...in Miami, Florida. At least there, you will be adored.

Finally, Mr. Cubs Fan, I noticed in one of the camera shots zooming in on you...what was that on your finger, but a very huge ring. I guess irony can be pretty ironic, sometimes. Tell you what, dude: Cut that finger off. No worries: I'm sure Cubs fans will be more than willing to give you one of their fingers.